Ahhh…getting old. We are all getting old and some of us faster than others…ha ha ha! Today’s little blog contains a collection of hilarious little quips/thoughts that I think all of us would enjoy as we continue our journey through this life.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?
I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.
I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me : To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember … Don’t sing!
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
When I was in my childhood years and all through my adult years, our house was always a welcome and loving solace for friends and relatives that came our way. It has been such a comfort and joy knowing that people can visit us and feel safe, loved, and feel right at home.
I recently came across the following poem written by Raising Teens Today that I thought was an encouraging writing that…hopefully…will embolden the doors of your home and Be “That House.”
I love finding little stories that make me feel good and smile to myself. Today’s story fits that category. I hope that you find this humorous little tale as enjoyable as I did 🙂
Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.
I phoned the police but was told that no one was in the area to help. They said that they would send someone over as soon as possible.
I hung up.
A minute later, I called the police again. “Hello,” I said, “I called a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to worry now because I shot them.”
Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said, “I thought you said that you shot them.”
To which I replied, “I thought you said there was no one available.”
I love finding little stories that make me feel good and smile to myself. Today’s story fits that category. I hope that you find this humorous little tale as enjoyable as I did 🙂
Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.
I phoned the police but was told that no one was in the area to help. They said that they would send someone over as soon as possible.
I hung up.
A minute later, I called the police again. “Hello,” I said, “I called a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to worry now because I shot them.”
Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said, “I thought you said that you shot them.”
To which I replied, “I thought you said there was no one available.”
Has someone or a certain circumstance ever affected you in such a negative way, that you decided to alter the “REAL YOU” to match the actions of your adversary? Well, today’s short story is a great illustration and reminder that we should always stay true ourselves, maintain our core principles, and remain the people that we really are.
A man saw a snake being burned to death and decided to take it out of the fire. When he did, the snake bit him causing excruciating pain.the man dropped the snake, and it fell back into the fire.
So, the man grabbed a metal pole, took the snake out of the fire, and saved its life.
Someone who was watching approached the man and said, “That snake bit you. Why are you still trying to save it?” the man replied, “The nature of the snake is to bite, but that’s not going to change my nature, which is to help.”
Do not change your nature simply because someone tries to hurt you or does you wrong. Do not lose your good heart and take care to control your emotions so when the time comes, you can let your kindness shine!
Even the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee, and others cannot take care of this one.It appears to target those who were born prior to 1960.The sporadic lock down seems to be increasing the chances of being affected!
Virus Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (That too)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6. Causes you to hit SEND before you’ve finished. (Oh no, not again)
7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that)
Even the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee, and others cannot take care of this one. It appears to target those who were born prior to 1960. The sporadic lock down seems to be increasing the chances of being affected!
Virus Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (That too)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6. Causes you to hit SEND before you’ve finished. (Oh no, not again)
7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that)
8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE. (Heck, now what?)
This virus is called the C-NILE virus!
A lot of us have already been inflicted with this disease and unfortunately as we age, it gets worse. And if you can’t admit to doing any of the above, you’ve obviously caught the other strain – the D-NILE virus. Doctors say that lots of naps and a daily dose of Johnnie Walker liquid medicine might help.
We will all experience death someday. Many people wonder what it will be like “on the other side.” While it is true that nobody knows for sure, I recently came across the following little story that I think will give you a glimpse of what you may expect.
A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, “Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what’s on the other side,” Very quietly, the doctor sais, “I don’t know…”
“You don’t know? You’re a Christian Man, and don’t know what’s on the other side?”
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness and love.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, “Did you notice my dog? He’s never been in this room before. He didn’t know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing…I know my Master is there and that is enough.”
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionallycomplete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no. I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
What kind of person are you? Are you compassionate, sympathetic, and kind towards others? Or are you someone who is unsympathetic, callous, and impervious in your relationships with individuals?
The following poem was written by Sheri Eckert and serves as a great reminder that we should all “Be That One” kind of person who looks to inspire, encourage, and assist others in their journey of life.
Be That One
Be that one.
That One who forgives when a deep offense has been committed.
That One who loves when no one else does.
That One who shares kindness to those who are mean.
Be That One who looks past the insult, instead seeing the pain that motivated it.
That One who shines the light upon those who sit in utter darkness.
Because the impact of being That One runs far and wide.It brings healing to the wounded, joy to the sad, and hope to those in despair.
Be That One.
“How beautiful a day can be when KINDNESS touches it” 🙂
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