Marriage is sacred. It is a divine and sacrosanct union between two people. If a person is fortunate enough, they will be blessed with having a partner in which they can live with for a lifetime. Unfortunately, some marriages simply don’t work out or, due to misfortune, a spouse passes on. Some of those people may decide to marry again…maybe two or three times.
But four times?
Consider the following humorous story of an 80 year-old lady who decided to get married again for the fourth time!!
A local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.
“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting,” the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few minutes, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, a preacher when she was in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers…
She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
Smiling is good for the heart, laughing is good for the soul, and loving will keep you living, laughing, and loving
Ahhh…getting old. We are all getting old and some of us faster than others…ha ha ha! Today’s little blog contains a collection of hilarious little quips/thoughts that I think all of us would enjoy as we continue our journey through this life.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?
I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.
I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me : To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember … Don’t sing!
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
No nursing home for me. I’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for nursing home care being approximately $275.00 per day, there is a better way to go when we get old and feeble.
I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it is $79.00 per night. Breakfast included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves $196.00 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.
There is another big plus…they hotel also provides a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer dryer, etc. Most hotels have free toothpaste and razors, and all of them have free soap and shampoo.
If you give $10 worth of tips a day, you will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They will treat you like a customer…not a patient.
There is a city bus stop out front and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus to the airport and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you are at the airport, fly somewhere…otherwise, the cash will keep building up.
It takes months and months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today…and you are not stuck in one place forever. You can move from Inn to Inn, or even city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a new mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and a daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they call an ambulance…or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from your family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini vacation and the grandkids can use the pool!
What more could I ask for?
So, when I reach that golden age…I will face it with a grin!!
The times that we are presently living seem to be more dark and pessimistic with each passing day. It is easy for us to focus and dwell on the negative events that seem to be happening all around us this past year or so…COVID, masks, the unrest in Washington D.C., etc.
One of the beautiful things about life, is that we can discover ways to alleviate this sense of doom by exercising, going outside and enjoy nature via hikes, walks, runs, and biking. Other people meditate, practice yoga, tai chi, and a host of other methods or techniques to control and manage their anxiety.
Laughter and comedy has also been a tremendous outlet for people when navigating the storms of life.
The focus of my blog today, is to do just that…to give people some giggles, smiles, or laughter that (hopefully) will help brighten your day…at least for a short time.
So, without further ado, here are a few statements that I am sure will bring a sense of merriment and joy to your soul 🙂
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
12. What do you call a deer with one eye? No eye deer (no idea(r))
13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
18. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good…) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
An elderly physician, Doctor Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured, get back $1,000.
“Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.
“Dr. Young: ‘Aaagh! — This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.
”Dr. Young, very annoyed, goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.
“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.
“Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t — that’s Gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.
“Dr. Young (now having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of the story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.Remember: Don’t make old people mad. They don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick them off.
Everyone needs a laugh, a giggle, a chuckle, or a smile every day. If you are having a bad day, discouraged by the worldwide pandemic, or simply experiencing a time of gloom…then I have just the medicine for you…laughs and giggles…and plenty of them!
I hope that the following cartoons and quips will help brighten your day, bring a smile to your face and a song to your heart.
We all know the trials and tribulations that we have all experienced during this difficult time of the COVID pandemic. During the time that people were frantically going to stores and buying out certain items…such a toilet paper, I came across the following poem on Poetry 4 Kids. I thought this would be something fun to share! Enjoy!
We’re Running Out of Toilet Paper
We’re running out of toilet paper.
Paper towels too.
We haven’t got much Kleenex left.
I’m not sure what we’ll do.
We tried to buy some yesterday.
We went to every shop,
but all the shelves were barren
from the bottom to the top.
We called our friends to see
if they had extra we could borrow,
but they said they have just enough
to last until tomorrow.
Our roll is almost empty now.
A solitary square
is hanging on the holder and
it’s way too small to share.
I hope we find some paper soon
or other kinds of wipers.
If not, I’m told I’ll have to use
my baby brother’s diapers.
People are always wondering to themselves what they can or can’t eat. They are worried about their weight and are constantly looking for the “perfect diet” that will help them shed those dastardly extra pounds. People ask themselves, “Should I eat just vegetables? What about starting a
diet? Atkins diet? The Zone Diet or the Vegan diet? Maybe I should just eat fish?” The list and controversy can seem endless..you can feel like you are on the Gerbil Wheel of your diet life…going around and around in circles and getting nowhere.
Well, I have some things that may help make your decisions about the right or wrong kinds of food to eat a little easier…and more simplified. So, without further hesitation, here is some “food for thought”…
You can’t eat pork…you might get the Swine Flu
You can’t eat chicken…you might get the Bird Flu
You can’t eat beef…you might get Mad Cow Disease
You can’e eat eggs…you might get Salmonella
You can’t eat fish…there are heavy metals and poison in their waters
You can’t eat Fruits and Vegetables…because of the herbicides and insecticides
Hmmmmm….what CAN you eat?
I believe that leaves Cakes, Chocolate, and Ice Cream!!!!