I love finding little stories that make me feel good and smile to myself. Today’s story fits that category. I hope that you find this humorous little tale as enjoyable as I did 🙂
Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.
I phoned the police but was told that no one was in the area to help. They said that they would send someone over as soon as possible.
I hung up.
A minute later, I called the police again. “Hello,” I said, “I called a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to worry now because I shot them.”
Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said, “I thought you said that you shot them.”
To which I replied, “I thought you said there was no one available.”
Even the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee, and others cannot take care of this one. It appears to target those who were born prior to 1960. The sporadic lock down seems to be increasing the chances of being affected!
Virus Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (That too)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6. Causes you to hit SEND before you’ve finished. (Oh no, not again)
7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that)
8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE. (Heck, now what?)
This virus is called the C-NILE virus!
A lot of us have already been inflicted with this disease and unfortunately as we age, it gets worse. And if you can’t admit to doing any of the above, you’ve obviously caught the other strain – the D-NILE virus. Doctors say that lots of naps and a daily dose of Johnnie Walker liquid medicine might help.
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionallycomplete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no. I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
No nursing home for me. I’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for nursing home care being approximately $275.00 per day, there is a better way to go when we get old and feeble.
I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it is $79.00 per night. Breakfast included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves $196.00 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.
There is another big plus…they hotel also provides a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer dryer, etc. Most hotels have free toothpaste and razors, and all of them have free soap and shampoo.
If you give $10 worth of tips a day, you will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They will treat you like a customer…not a patient.
There is a city bus stop out front and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus to the airport and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you are at the airport, fly somewhere…otherwise, the cash will keep building up.
It takes months and months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today…and you are not stuck in one place forever. You can move from Inn to Inn, or even city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a new mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and a daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they call an ambulance…or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from your family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini vacation and the grandkids can use the pool!
What more could I ask for?
So, when I reach that golden age…I will face it with a grin!!
The times that we are presently living seem to be more dark and pessimistic with each passing day. It is easy for us to focus and dwell on the negative events that seem to be happening all around us this past year or so…COVID, masks, the unrest in Washington D.C., etc.
One of the beautiful things about life, is that we can discover ways to alleviate this sense of doom by exercising, going outside and enjoy nature via hikes, walks, runs, and biking. Other people meditate, practice yoga, tai chi, and a host of other methods or techniques to control and manage their anxiety.
Laughter and comedy has also been a tremendous outlet for people when navigating the storms of life.
The focus of my blog today, is to do just that…to give people some giggles, smiles, or laughter that (hopefully) will help brighten your day…at least for a short time.
So, without further ado, here are a few statements that I am sure will bring a sense of merriment and joy to your soul 🙂
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
12. What do you call a deer with one eye? No eye deer (no idea(r))
13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
18. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good…) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
We all know that Thanksgiving 2020 is going to be one of the most unique Thanksgivings that we have ever experienced. Millions of people will not be able to celebrate with family members, relatives, friends, and loved ones.
Despite these difficult times, I decided to bring some cheer and merriment to you. I have collected several humorous Thanksgiving cartoons that will hopefully bring a smile to your face, a giggle to your heart, and make your Thanksgiving a little happier.
It is so important to remember, being thankful and giving thanks is more than a one day event…it should be something that we do EVERY DAY. If we truly give thanks each and every day, we will soon find that we will enjoy the true meaning Thanksgiving in our everyday lives
It was beautiful sunny day and an old lady decided to go to her bank. The lady walked inside, up to the counter and handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $2,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why…
The teller returned her bank card and irritable said to her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds then handed her card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “My apologies Ma’am, you have $35 million in your account and our bank doesn’t have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $250,000. “Well, please let me have $250,000 now”, she requested. The teller did so quickly, then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her elderly client.
The old lady put the $500 into her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $249,500 back into her account.
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Don’t be difficult to old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills!
An elderly physician, Doctor Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured, get back $1,000.
“Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.
“Dr. Young: ‘Aaagh! — This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.
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”Dr. Young, very annoyed, goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.
“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.
“Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t — that’s Gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.
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“Dr. Young (now having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
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Moral of the story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.Remember: Don’t make old people mad. They don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick them off.
It is the end of another busy work week. There is no better time than now to reward yourself with some chuckles and giggles to bring joy to your soul.
Enjoy!
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Twinkle, Twinkle Little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
I picked up a hitchhiker. Seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn’t afraid that he might be a serial killer?
I told him that the odds of two serial killers in the same car were extremely unlikely.
It has been a bit of a strange day! First, I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar…
“Lead me not into temptation” …Oh who am I kidding? Follow me…I know a shortcut.
My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, give me a break…EAT A SALAD!
I asked my wife if I was the one that she had been with. She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens…
PUBS. The official sunblock of Ireland!
I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test…same thing.
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons…they forgot to mention morons.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying, “Ha! Ha! Ha! You think that’s bad? Watch this.”
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So, I took her to Subway…and that’s how the fight started.
Patience is a virtue. It’s just not one of my virtues.
Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) …I can’t see you anymore…I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!
Trainer: It was a sit up… you did ONE sit up!
Therapist: Your wife says that you never buy her flowers…is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew that she sold flowers.
Sex After Surgery
A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, has sued St. Paul’s Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied:
“Mrs. Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.”
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their husbands are always right. The 10th one mysteriously disappeared and hasn’t been heard from since.
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I hope that some of these quips brought a smile to your face. Have a WONDERFUL day!!
Everyone needs a laugh, a giggle, a chuckle, or a smile every day. If you are having a bad day, discouraged by the worldwide pandemic, or simply experiencing a time of gloom…then I have just the medicine for you…laughs and giggles…and plenty of them!
I hope that the following cartoons and quips will help brighten your day, bring a smile to your face and a song to your heart.
We all know how much impact the quarantine and all the time that we have spent “locked down” has had on us. Days seem to melt together, and, on occasions, time just seems to slow down.
I came across the following thoughts from a friend of mine. Some of them are funny and some will make you sit back and think. Whatever the case…enjoy.
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I hope they give us two weeks’ notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we’ll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by “ourselves” I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.
Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.
Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now. We don’t have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!
When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.
I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: “Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale.”
Not to brag, but I haven’t been late to anything in over 6 weeks.
It may take a village to raise a child but I swear it is going to take a vineyard to home school one.
I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages.
Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.
You know those car commercials where there’s only one vehicle on the road – doesn’t seem so unrealistic these days …
They can open things up next month, I’m staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.
Day 37: The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.
The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” In other words…”The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.
People keep asking: “Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?” Listen y’all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it’s probably pretty serious.
Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.
Home School Day 1: I’m trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.
Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.
Okay, the schools are closed. So, do we drop the kids off at the teacher’s house or what?
For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family, or will they relocate us? Asking for myself …
Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told “No” if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.
The dumbest thing I’ve ever bought was a 2020 planner …
I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, “If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there.”
Enjoy your day…You don’t have anything else to do.
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies (and men) with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or announcements.
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’
