People are always wondering to themselves what they can or can’t eat. They are worried about their weight and are constantly looking for the “perfect diet” that will help them shed those dastardly extra pounds. People ask themselves, “Should I eat just vegetables? What about starting a
diet? Atkins diet? The Zone Diet or the Vegan diet? Maybe I should just eat fish?” The list and controversy can seem endless..you can feel like you are on the Gerbil Wheel of your diet life…going around and around in circles and getting nowhere.
Well, I have some things that may help make your decisions about the right or wrong kinds of food to eat a little easier…and more simplified. So, without further hesitation, here is some “food for thought”…
You can’t eat pork…you might get the Swine Flu
You can’t eat chicken…you might get the Bird Flu
You can’t eat beef…you might get Mad Cow Disease
You can’e eat eggs…you might get Salmonella
You can’t eat fish…there are heavy metals and poison in their waters
You can’t eat Fruits and Vegetables…because of the herbicides and insecticides
Hmmmmm….what CAN you eat?
I believe that leaves Cakes, Chocolate, and Ice Cream!!!!
In today’s world, amidst all of the depressing news and the negative climate, I think it is good for a person to have at least one laugh, giggle, or smile every day. So, without further ado…here’s a little story:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping on the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell into a deep, restful sleep after a long day on the trail. Some hours later, Tonto wakes up the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky…what you see?
The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems like we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Tonto?
“You dumber than buffalo…it means someone stole tent.”
Are you having a lousy day and need something to make you smile? Then today’s little story is just for you!
A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane …
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, ‘Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’
The blind lady replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.’
Now Picture This:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
What is inner peace? What are the attributes of a life that can give us peace and solace in the things that we think and do each day? What are the true secrets that will calm our soul and soothe our spirits in today’s tumultuous world?
Well, today I am sharing with you a checklist, of sorts, that might give you an idea of how much inner peace you may have…and discover who might be the perfect “person” that holds this treasure.
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining andboring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your lovedones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism andblame without resentment,
If you can conquer tensionwithout medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual …
Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
If you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away 🙂
Have an awesome day and share a smile with someone!
I came across this story a short time ago that I thought would be an interesting thing to share.
A Public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport this morning as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator. At a press conference just before noon today, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. Although he did not identify the man, he confirmed the man has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-Gebra is a problem for us”, the Attorney General said. “They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.” They use secret names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.” The Attorney General went onto say “teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them to solve problems is dangerous and puts our government at risk.
Sometimes, there is nothing better than a good story about animals. Mix the story with a little humor and good old-fashioned Faith…and you will have a story that will bring a smile to your face and maybe even a little giggle or laugh.
Today is an entertaining little tale that I think that you will enjoy.
It’s a Miracle Kitten from Heaven story. What could be more fun than a little girl wanting a kitty cat? And what if she prayed really hard for God to send a kitty to her from heaven? And what if God answered her prayer immediately? When A Child Prays, Their Faith is Strong and Alive, Expecting an Answer. Read on . . .
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about a pastor. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard, and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and grasp the kitten.
He did all this, kept getting out to check, then figured if he went just a little bit farther, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little farther forward… the rope broke.
The tree went *Boing!* and the kitten instantly sailed through the air- out of sight. The pastor felt very bad. He walked all over the neighborhood, asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a kitten. So he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping,” and went on about his business.
A few days later, he was at the grocery store, and he met Melissa Jefferson, one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart, and he was amazed to see cat food. Knowing she hated cats, he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?” She replied, “You won’t believe this,” and told him how her little girl Meghan had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the girl had begged again, and so the Mom finally told her little girl, “Well, if God gives you a cat from heaven, I’ll let you keep it.”
You can guess the rest. She told the pastor, “I watched my little girl go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a kitty cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her.
I’ve always wondered if he told her what really happened.
As most of you already know, I enjoy finding inspirational, motivational, heartwarming stories and any other kind of story, picture, etc. that will leave a person giggling, smiling, or feeling good about life. Well, today’s story is no exception. The author is unknown, but the story is a tale about some soldiers who confronted a mob of angry warriors and an eyewitness account of what they experienced…then lived to tell the tale.
Here is their story.
“We were in the United States Marines, doing a mock war in the Norwegian city of Trondheim with the Dutch, Germans, and other allies, training in urban combat> My infantry unit was positioned in a large soccer field next to an elementary school. Keep in mind there was no actual combat, even simulated; it was mostly just practicing maneuvers and tactics. But we still looked out of place with our weapons and gear, etc. It was February in Norway. Cold a sheck. Snow up to our knees. Norway obviously has no snow days, so the kids were all in school.
Anyway, so Norway has this most delicious and amazing delicacy, I have no idea what it is called, but it is basically a bacon-wrapped hot dog; we assumed it was called Candy of the Lord. As Americans, we were naturally and instantly addicted. You find them in gas stations, and there just happened to be one on the other side of the school where we were camped. A few of my fellow Marines and I requested permission to go to the gas station and we set out on our way.
We made it to right about where the main entrance of the school was, and the doors opened…school was out. There were only a few kids, probably 6 or 7 years old. Lots of talking and laughing. Gawking at us as we walked by, with our guns and huge ridiculous snow suits. One precocious little guy made shooting noises at us. We made shooting noises right back.
Then someone in my group…I don’t know who…God help me, I don’t know who…
Someone threw a snowball and hit a little girl in the leg.
Then those little Norwegian children unleashed hell.
There was a shrill cry of unintelligible gibberish and the doors of the school burst open. School children flooded out like a never-ending flood of something that never ends. Screeching, smiling, sprinting – how in the world were they sprinting?” the little bastards were slinging snowballs faster than the law of physics should allow. It was like the movie Elf. If you can imagine riding fast in a car during a snowstorm and sticking your head out the window. Now imagine the snowflakes that are hitting your face are snowballs.
We couldn’t see a thing. We couldn’t run.
We could barely breathe
We were in hell.
We tried to return fire and threw one, maybe two half-packed crappy snowballs that fell apart in the air, arms flailing like a wimpy little kid. I am from Texas. We are a unit stationed in North Carolina. We were so outmatched and out of our element, it made them laugh even harder. We were cut off from our main forces. We tried to perform a flanking maneuver, but they were too fast. I think that some of them were even throwing rocks!
As for my comrades, I could see them speed waddling in their huge snow suits back to camp like a messed-up pair of Teletubbies under withering fire. Screw tactics, screw me, screw the Candy of the Lord…this was survival! I was the slow one in the group. My snow boots were too big but they were the smallest size they had at the Issue tent! My Marines had left me behind!
I tried pulling my hood over my head and keeping my head down. No longer content to pelt my body with ballistic snow, the enemy swarmed me and dragged me down, cackling like a bunch of hyenas descending on a wildebeest. I tried to sling them off me by spinning. I came out of one of my boots and fell. I began to scream and plead for them to stop but they neither understood nor gave a single Nordic damn. They literally pinned me down with about five kids on each limb. It was then that I actually thought – “oh crap…I’m really in trouble.” My snow mittens were ripped off and flung into the trees. They started shoveling snow down my suit. Have you ever had anyone drop an ice cube down your back? Well, now imagine someone shoveling handfuls of ice cubes down your shirt. It literally shocked the breath out of my body!
They left me laying there like a Family Guy accident victim. Moaning and screaming in the cold. Rifle packed with snow and dirt. Boot buried somewhere. The kids ran away laughing and jabbering in their crazy language. I just lay there trying to figure out what in the world had just happened.”
I recently came across the following guidelines that I think was a very interesting and helpful tool for all the men out there around the world who are involved with relationships with their wives, girlfriends, or other loved ones. Speaking as a man, there are many times that I wish that I had a simple guide to follow, and now I do! So, out of the goodness of my heart, I will share these principles with you. Enjoy.
A Man’s Guide to Lasting Relationships
Find a woman who makes you laugh.
Find a woman who has a job and loves housework.
Find a woman who is honest.
Find a woman who will wait on you hand and foot.
Find a woman who is awesome in the bedroom.
Most importantly of all, and it is very important…make sure that these five women never meet!!
PS This is a “tongue in cheek” guide folks…or is it? 🙂
The Holiday Season can be a time of great stress and make people anxious as they rush around stores, malls, etc., to find gifts and presents for the family, friends, and loved ones. Whether it be preparing dinners, snacks or great feasts, getting ready for the relatives, the list goes on and on. After a while, it can simply become overwhelming.
Well, today, I have good news for you! I collected a few quips about the Holiday Season that, I hope, will bring a smile to your face, gladness in your heart, and a giggle or two, to help brighten your day.
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge
“For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!” – Anne Bristow
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers
“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope
“It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the Naughty List”. – Anon
“Christmas: the only time of year that you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy from socks”. – Anonymous
“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Unknown
“Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Unknown
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men”. – Jay leno
“I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.” – Demetri Martin
“People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” – Unknown
“Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.” – Unknown
“Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy’.” – Robert Paul
“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Unknown
“You know you are getting old, when Santa starts looking younger”. – Bart Simpson
“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly”. – Andy Rooney
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall”. – Larry Wilde
“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I’ll drink the red”. – Unknown
“Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, bought practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and there would be peace on earth”!
“At Christmas, all roads lead home”. – Marjorie Holmes
One of my favorite time of each year is the celebration of Thanksgiving and all that it entails. Meeting with family, friends, and relatives…eating the Thanksgiving dinner with all the fixings…playing football in the cool weather then coming into a warm house and smelling all of the scrumptious food…watching NFL football games on TV…or simply going around the dinner table and listening to each person share the things that they are thankful for.
Thanksgiving is truly a time to give thanks. We have SO MUCH that we should be thankful for but sometimes, we can forget just how much we have been blessed. The following story, that was conveyed by Cary Schmidt, is a cute little story that (I hope) will serve as a reminder to the many blessings that we have been given.
Two old friends met each other on the street one day. One looked forlorn, almost on the verge of tears. His friend asked, “What has the world done to you, my old friend?”
The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you: three weeks ago, my uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars.”
“That’s a lot of money.”
“But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew died, and left me eighty-five thousand dollars, free and clear.”
“Sounds to me that you’ve been very blessed.”
“You don’t understand!” he interrupted. “Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million from her.”
Now the man’s friend was really confused. “Then, why do you look so glum?”
“This week . . . nothing!”
That’s a problem with receiving something on a regular basis. Even if it is a gift, we eventually come to expect it. The natural tendency is that if we receive a gift long enough, we come to view it almost as an entitlement. We feel hurt, even angry if we don’t receive it any longer.
It is the same way with the blessings God gives us every day. I don’t deserve the comfortable home that I live in, the beautiful scenery around me, the clean water I drink. But after receiving these gifts (and a multitude of others) for years, I sometimes fail to be grateful. I’ve come to expect these good things. And when one of them is removed for a short time (like water or electricity or the internet going down), I get upset.
Let’s make an effort today to recognize the blessing we’ve come to take for granted. Focus on what we have rather than on what we don’t have, and see if it doesn’t improve our attitudes.
Over the course of time, the civilization of man has always had great questions that they sometimes spent years and years to try to solve those mysteries. How can man fly like a bird? They invented the airplane. Could they discover a way to light up a room without a candle? The light bulb was invented. How cool would it have been to our ancestors to go to the moon? The rocket ship was created. The list goes on and on and on.
Unfortunately, mankind still has a plethora of other great unsolved mysteries that may never be resolved. These are the problems that inquisitive minds want to know the answer to…but may never know!
Here we go…
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Would lightning come down faster if it came down in a straight line instead of crooked ones?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for ‘normal’ people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out that it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder……
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?’
Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum.’
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on…….
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
And the list goes on and on…
What is YOUR favorite “life mystery”? Please feel free to share!