People are always wondering to themselves what they can or can’t eat. They are worried about their weight and are constantly looking for the “perfect diet” that will help them shed those dastardly extra pounds. People ask themselves, “Should I eat just vegetables? What about starting a
diet? Atkins diet? The Zone Diet or the Vegan diet? Maybe I should just eat fish?” The list and controversy can seem endless..you can feel like you are on the Gerbil Wheel of your diet life…going around and around in circles and getting nowhere.
Well, I have some things that may help make your decisions about the right or wrong kinds of food to eat a little easier…and more simplified. So, without further hesitation, here is some “food for thought”…
You can’t eat pork…you might get the Swine Flu
You can’t eat chicken…you might get the Bird Flu
You can’t eat beef…you might get Mad Cow Disease
You can’e eat eggs…you might get Salmonella
You can’t eat fish…there are heavy metals and poison in their waters
You can’t eat Fruits and Vegetables…because of the herbicides and insecticides
Hmmmmm….what CAN you eat?
I believe that leaves Cakes, Chocolate, and Ice Cream!!!!
In today’s world, amidst all of the depressing news and the negative climate, I think it is good for a person to have at least one laugh, giggle, or smile every day. So, without further ado…here’s a little story:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping on the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell into a deep, restful sleep after a long day on the trail. Some hours later, Tonto wakes up the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky…what you see?
The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems like we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Tonto?
“You dumber than buffalo…it means someone stole tent.”
Are you having a lousy day and need something to make you smile? Then today’s little story is just for you!
A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane …
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, ‘Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’
The blind lady replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.’
Now Picture This:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
What is inner peace? What are the attributes of a life that can give us peace and solace in the things that we think and do each day? What are the true secrets that will calm our soul and soothe our spirits in today’s tumultuous world?
Well, today I am sharing with you a checklist, of sorts, that might give you an idea of how much inner peace you may have…and discover who might be the perfect “person” that holds this treasure.
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining andboring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your lovedones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism andblame without resentment,
If you can conquer tensionwithout medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual …
Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
If you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away 🙂
Have an awesome day and share a smile with someone!
I recently came across the following guidelines that I think was a very interesting and helpful tool for all the men out there around the world who are involved with relationships with their wives, girlfriends, or other loved ones. Speaking as a man, there are many times that I wish that I had a simple guide to follow, and now I do! So, out of the goodness of my heart, I will share these principles with you. Enjoy.
A Man’s Guide to Lasting Relationships
Find a woman who makes you laugh.
Find a woman who has a job and loves housework.
Find a woman who is honest.
Find a woman who will wait on you hand and foot.
Find a woman who is awesome in the bedroom.
Most importantly of all, and it is very important…make sure that these five women never meet!!
PS This is a “tongue in cheek” guide folks…or is it? 🙂
The Holiday Season can be a time of great stress and make people anxious as they rush around stores, malls, etc., to find gifts and presents for the family, friends, and loved ones. Whether it be preparing dinners, snacks or great feasts, getting ready for the relatives, the list goes on and on. After a while, it can simply become overwhelming.
Well, today, I have good news for you! I collected a few quips about the Holiday Season that, I hope, will bring a smile to your face, gladness in your heart, and a giggle or two, to help brighten your day.
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge
“For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!” – Anne Bristow
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers
“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope
“It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the Naughty List”. – Anon
“Christmas: the only time of year that you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy from socks”. – Anonymous
“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Unknown
“Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Unknown
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men”. – Jay leno
“I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.” – Demetri Martin
“People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” – Unknown
“Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.” – Unknown
“Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy’.” – Robert Paul
“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Unknown
“You know you are getting old, when Santa starts looking younger”. – Bart Simpson
“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly”. – Andy Rooney
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall”. – Larry Wilde
“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I’ll drink the red”. – Unknown
“Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, bought practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and there would be peace on earth”!
“At Christmas, all roads lead home”. – Marjorie Holmes
Over the course of time, the civilization of man has always had great questions that they sometimes spent years and years to try to solve those mysteries. How can man fly like a bird? They invented the airplane. Could they discover a way to light up a room without a candle? The light bulb was invented. How cool would it have been to our ancestors to go to the moon? The rocket ship was created. The list goes on and on and on.
Unfortunately, mankind still has a plethora of other great unsolved mysteries that may never be resolved. These are the problems that inquisitive minds want to know the answer to…but may never know!
Here we go…
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Would lightning come down faster if it came down in a straight line instead of crooked ones?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for ‘normal’ people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out that it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder……
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?’
Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum.’
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on…….
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
And the list goes on and on…
What is YOUR favorite “life mystery”? Please feel free to share!
We all know the importance of daily exercise and all the benefits that it can bring. For people who are over 50 years of age, like me, the following exercise regimen might be one that you may find attainable!
Stand on a comfortable surface.
With a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms out horizontally and hold that position for one minute, then relax.
Each day you will find that you can hold this position a little longer.
After two weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks.
After one month, try 60-pound potato sacks.
Eventually, you will be able to lift 100-pound sacks in each hand, holding your arms out for one minute.
After you feel confident at this level…put a potato in each sack!!
Everyone comes from a family and it goes without saying that problems and negative situations will occasionally show their ugly heads. But the one thing that some just can’t seem to figure out is the family and relative terminology such as who is their second or third cousin, great uncle, etc. Stuff like this can drive us crazy. They can really create turmoil and misunderstanding.
If you think your family has problems figuring this stuff out, consider the marriage mayhem created when 76-year-old Bill Baker of London recently wed Edna Harvey. She happened to be his granddaughter’s husband’s mother. That’s where the confusion began, according to Baker’s granddaughter, Lynn.
“My mother-in-law is now my step-grandmother. My grandfather is now my stepfather-in-law. My mom is my sister-in-law and my brother is my nephew. But even crazier is that I’m now married to my uncle and my own children are my cousins.”
From this experience, Lynn should gain profound insight into the Theory of Relativity.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you had an opportunity to speak with God? What would you say? What would you ask Him for? What would you do? This is an interesting question, right? Well, hopefully, your conversation wouldn’t end up as the following one did!
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.
The man asked, “God, what’s a million years to you?” and God said, “A minute.”
Then the man asked, “Well, what’s a million dollars to you?” and God said, “A penny.”
Then the man asked, “God…..can I have a penny?” and God said, “Sure…..in a minute.”
Hope you enjoyed this cute little story and the smile and giggle that went along with it.
Sometimes, in each of our lives, we fall into a state of boredom, lethargy, or become tired of the same mundane happenings of our everyday lives. It is always a comforting feeling knowing that we can have friends around us that will encourage us and give us the “wake-up call” when we need it.
The following short story will demonstrate why we should always stay awake and pay attention to things going on around us…otherwise, you might get a “wake-up call” …hopefully, not in the same way as the star in this story 😊
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School and she usually slept through her classes.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called her while she was sleeping.
“Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the earth?”
When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed it in her rear end.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, “Very good” and then continues teaching her class.
A little while later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, “who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. “Jesus Christ!!!” shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
Soon thereafter, the Nun asked her a third question…”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, “if you stick that thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
So, stay awake, be alert, and remain vigilant in all that you do…get the point?
You have to love how children can be so blunt and truthful. It can sometimes be amusing (or quite embarrassing) when a child blurts out an answer that most people didn’t anticipate. Such is the case for today’s short story. I am sure that the wisdom of this little darling will bring a smile to your face!
In a grade school lesson, a teacher was explaining a little bit about whales.
A little girl in class piped up and said: “I just learned that Jonah in the bible was swallowed by a whale.”
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was relatively small.
The girl said: “I am sure Jonah was swallowed by a whale.”
The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; that it was physically impossible.
The little girl replied: “My Sunday school teacher told me Jonah was swallowed and she would not lie to me.”
A bit perturbed by this, the teacher proclaimed: “That is a “story” from the bible, it is not factual, and I will not argue with you.”
After a little thought, the girl responded: “Well, when I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah”.
Now challenged, the teacher spouted: “What if Jonah didn’t go to heaven?”
Not at all daunted, the girl quipped, . . . “ok then you ask him.” ~ Author Unknown ~