Getting Married at 80

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Marriage is sacred. It is a divine and sacrosanct union between two people. If a person is fortunate enough, they will be blessed with having a partner in which they can live with for a lifetime. Unfortunately, some marriages simply don’t work out or, due to misfortune, a spouse passes on. Some of those people may decide to marry again…maybe two or three times.

But four times?

Consider the following humorous story of an 80 year-old lady who decided to get married again for the fourth time!!

A local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few minutes, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, a preacher when she was in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers…

She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

Smiling is good for the heart, laughing is good for the soul, and loving will keep you living, laughing, and loving

It’s All About Perspective

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I love finding little stories that make me feel good and smile to myself. Today’s story fits that category. I hope that you find this humorous little tale as enjoyable as I did 🙂

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told that no one was in the area to help. They said that they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up.

A minute later, I called the police again. “Hello,” I said, “I called a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to worry now because I shot them.”

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said, “I thought you said that you shot them.”

To which I replied, “I thought you said there was no one available.”

~ TONY GLADSTONE

The Friday Closer

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

Don’t Mess with Old People!

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It was beautiful sunny day and an old lady decided to go to her bank. The lady walked inside, up to the counter and handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $2,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady wanted to know why…

The teller returned her bank card and irritable said to her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds then handed her card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “My apologies Ma’am, you have $35 million in your account and our bank doesn’t have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?”

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.

The teller told her any amount up to $250,000. “Well, please let me have $250,000 now”, she requested. The teller did so quickly, then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her elderly client.

The old lady put the $500 into her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $249,500 back into her account.

——————-

Don’t be difficult to old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills!

Dr. Geezer

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An elderly physician, Doctor Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured, get back $1,000.

“Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young:  “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box  22  and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.

“Dr. Young: ‘Aaagh! — This is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.

————–

”Dr. Young, very annoyed, goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.

“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box  22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.

“Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t — that’s Gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.

————

“Dr. Young (now having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

————

Moral of the story —  Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.Remember:  Don’t make old people mad. They don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick them off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

We’re Running Out of Toilet Paper!

 

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We all know the trials and tribulations that we have all experienced during this difficult time of the COVID pandemic. During the time that people were frantically going to stores and buying out certain items…such a toilet paper, I came across the following poem on Poetry 4 Kids. I thought this would be something fun to share! Enjoy!

We’re Running Out of Toilet Paper

We’re running out of toilet paper.
Paper towels too.
We haven’t got much Kleenex left.
I’m not sure what we’ll do.

We tried to buy some yesterday.
We went to every shop,
but all the shelves were barren
from the bottom to the top.

We called our friends to see
if they had extra we could borrow,
but they said they have just enough
to last until tomorrow.

Our roll is almost empty now.
A solitary square
is hanging on the holder and
it’s way too small to share.

I hope we find some paper soon
or other kinds of wipers.
If not, I’m told I’ll have to use
my baby brother’s diapers.

— Kenn Nesbitt

Copyright © 2020. All Rights Reserved.

The Clever Old Man

katarina-g--51LlTIUaHE-unsplashOne evening, an old farmer decided to to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, to check it out and have a look around.

He had grabbed a five-gallon bucket to gather some fruit and bring it back to his house.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw that it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women award of his presence and they all moved quickly to the deep end.

One woman shouted to him, “We are not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned and said, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding up his bucket, he said, “I am here to feed the alligator.”

****************

I hope this little story brought a smile to your face today! Go out and share a smile with someone today…I DARE you!  🙂

That’s Not My Job

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The following little ditty might make you scratch your head but also might bring a smile to your face.

This is a story about four people named: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

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Makes you think doesn’t it? 😊

A Good Time For A Giggle!

orange and green camping tent under starry sky

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In today’s world, amidst all of the depressing news and the negative climate, I think it is good for a person to have at least one laugh, giggle, or smile every day. So, without further ado…here’s a little story:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping on the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell into a deep, restful sleep after a long day on the trail. Some hours later, Tonto wakes up the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky…what you see?

The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems like we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Tonto?

“You dumber than buffalo…it means someone stole tent.”

 

Things Aren’t Always As They Appear

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Are you having a lousy day and need something to make you smile? Then today’s little story is just for you!

Enjoy!


A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane …
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.

A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, ‘Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’

The blind lady replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.’

Now Picture This:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered.

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Apparently, a True story…

Have a great day and remember…

…THINGS AREN’T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

Teacher Arrested at JFK Airport

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I came across this story a short time ago that I thought would be an interesting thing to share.

A Public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport this morning as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator. At a press conference just before noon today, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. Although he did not identify the man, he confirmed the man has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-Gebra is a problem for us”, the Attorney General said. “They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.” They use secret names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.” The Attorney General went onto say “teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them to solve problems is dangerous and puts our government at risk.

 

There is nothing better than a giggle!

A Nightmare in Norway

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As most of you already know, I enjoy finding inspirational, motivational, heartwarming stories and any other kind of story, picture, etc. that will leave a person giggling, smiling, or feeling good about life. Well, today’s story is no exception. The author is unknown, but the story is a tale about some soldiers who confronted a mob of angry warriors and an eyewitness account of what they experienced…then lived to tell the tale.

Here is their story.

“We were in the United States Marines, doing a mock war in the Norwegian city of Trondheim with the Dutch, Germans, and other allies, training in urban combat> My infantry unit was positioned in a large soccer field next to an elementary school. Keep in mind there was no actual combat, even simulated; it was mostly just practicing maneuvers and tactics. But we still looked out of place with our weapons and gear, etc. It was February in Norway. Cold a sheck. Snow up to our knees. Norway obviously has no snow days, so the kids were all in school.

Anyway, so Norway has this most delicious and amazing delicacy, I have no idea what it is called, but it is basically a bacon-wrapped hot dog; we assumed it was called Candy of the Lord. As Americans, we were naturally and instantly addicted. You find them in gas stations, and there just happened to be one on the other side of the school where we were camped. A few of my fellow Marines and I requested permission to go to the gas station and we set out on our way.

We made it to right about where the main entrance of the school was, and the doors opened…school was out. There were only a few kids, probably 6 or 7 years old. Lots of talking and laughing. Gawking at us as we walked by, with our guns and huge ridiculous snow suits. One precocious little guy made shooting noises at us. We made shooting noises right back.

Then someone in my group…I don’t know who…God help me, I don’t know who…

Someone threw a snowball and hit a little girl in the leg.

Then those little Norwegian children unleashed hell.

There was a shrill cry of unintelligible gibberish and the doors of the school burst open. School children flooded out like a never-ending flood of something that never ends. Screeching, smiling, sprinting – how in the world were they sprinting?” the little bastards were slinging snowballs faster than the law of physics should allow. It was like the movie Elf. If you can imagine riding fast in a car during a snowstorm and sticking your head out the window. Now imagine the snowflakes that are hitting your face are snowballs.

We couldn’t see a thing. We couldn’t run.

We could barely breathe

We were in hell.

We tried to return fire and threw one, maybe two half-packed crappy snowballs that fell apart in the air, arms flailing like a wimpy little kid. I am from Texas. We are a unit stationed in North Carolina. We were so outmatched and out of our element, it made them laugh even harder. We were cut off from our main forces. We tried to perform a flanking maneuver, but they were too fast. I think that some of them were even throwing rocks!

As for my comrades, I could see them speed waddling in their huge snow suits back to camp like a messed-up pair of Teletubbies under withering fire. Screw tactics, screw me, screw the Candy of the Lord…this was survival! I was the slow one in the group. My snow boots were too big but they were the smallest size they had at the Issue tent! My Marines had left me behind!

I tried pulling my hood over my head and keeping my head down. No longer content to pelt my body with ballistic snow, the enemy swarmed me and dragged me down, cackling like a bunch of hyenas descending on a wildebeest.  I tried to sling them off me by spinning. I came out of one of my boots and fell. I began to scream and plead for them to stop but they neither understood nor gave a single Nordic damn. They literally pinned me down with about five kids on each limb. It was then that I actually thought – “oh crap…I’m really in trouble.” My snow mittens were ripped off and flung into the trees. They started shoveling snow down my suit. Have you ever had anyone drop an ice cube down your back? Well, now imagine someone shoveling handfuls of ice cubes down your shirt. It literally shocked the breath out of my body!

They left me laying there like a Family Guy accident victim. Moaning and screaming in the cold. Rifle packed with snow and dirt. Boot buried somewhere. The kids ran away laughing and jabbering in their crazy language. I just lay there trying to figure out what in the world had just happened.”

 

Have a safe, warm day!