No Nursing Home for Me!

Photo Credit: Pexels-Pixabay

No nursing home for me. I’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for nursing home care being approximately $275.00 per day, there is a better way to go when we get old and feeble.

I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.

For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it is $79.00 per night. Breakfast included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.

That leaves $196.00 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.

There is another big plus…they hotel also provides a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer dryer, etc. Most hotels have free toothpaste and razors, and all of them have free soap and shampoo.

If you give $10 worth of tips a day, you will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

They will treat you like a customer…not a patient.

There is a city bus stop out front and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus to the airport and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you are at the airport, fly somewhere…otherwise, the cash will keep building up.

It takes months and months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today…and you are not stuck in one place forever. You can move from Inn to Inn, or even city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a new mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and a daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they call an ambulance…or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from your family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini vacation and the grandkids can use the pool!

What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age…I will face it with a grin!!

~ Author Unknown

It’s Time For Some Good Giggles!

Photo credit: Caroline Hernandez via Unsplash

The times that we are presently living seem to be more dark and pessimistic with each passing day. It is easy for us to focus and dwell on the negative events that seem to be happening all around us this past year or so…COVID, masks, the unrest in Washington D.C., etc.

One of the beautiful things about life, is that we can discover ways to alleviate this sense of doom by exercising, going outside and enjoy nature via hikes, walks, runs, and biking. Other people meditate, practice yoga, tai chi, and a host of other methods or techniques to control and manage their anxiety.

Laughter and comedy has also been a tremendous outlet for people when navigating the storms of life.

The focus of my blog today, is to do just that…to give people some giggles, smiles, or laughter that (hopefully) will help brighten your day…at least for a short time.

So, without further ado, here are a few statements that I am sure will bring a sense of merriment and joy to your soul 🙂

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12. What do you call a deer with one eye? No eye deer (no idea(r))

13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good…) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

Getting Older

Photo Credit: Pexels.com ~ Image 69415

It is funny how a person’s outlook on life changes as they get older….

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers..

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the ‘John’ and renamed it the ‘Jim’. I feel so much better saying “I went to the Jim this morning”.

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

I don’t have grey hair; I have “wisdom highlights” I’m just very wise.

Don’t ever ask me to bend down and touch my toes.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators We haven’t met yet.

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes when I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I’m not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
– I don’t have to go to school or work.
– I have a driver’s license and my own car.
– I get an allowance every month.
– I have my own ipad (although I can’t recall where I kept it)
– I don’t have a curfew.

Life is great.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
Now, I’m wondering…did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

Have a good chuckle.

Laughter is Good Medicine!

Thanksgiving Humor

We all know that Thanksgiving 2020 is going to be one of the most unique Thanksgivings that we have ever experienced. Millions of people will not be able to celebrate with family members, relatives, friends, and loved ones.

Despite these difficult times, I decided to bring some cheer and merriment to you. I have collected several humorous Thanksgiving cartoons that will hopefully bring a smile to your face, a giggle to your heart, and make your Thanksgiving a little happier.

It is so important to remember, being thankful and giving thanks is more than a one day event…it should be something that we do EVERY DAY. If we truly give thanks each and every day, we will soon find that we will enjoy the true meaning Thanksgiving in our everyday lives

Enjoy the cartoons!

The Friday Closer

Photo Credit: Murad Murat via Pexels

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

Dr. Geezer

Photo Credit: Flickr

An elderly physician, Doctor Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured, get back $1,000.

“Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young:  “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box  22  and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.

“Dr. Young: ‘Aaagh! — This is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.

————–

”Dr. Young, very annoyed, goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.

“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box  22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.

“Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t — that’s Gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.

————

“Dr. Young (now having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

————

Moral of the story —  Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.Remember:  Don’t make old people mad. They don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick them off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

Laughter Truly is…The Best Medicine

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Photo Credit: Jessica Wilson via Unsplash

Everyone needs a laugh, a giggle, a chuckle, or a smile every day. If you are having a bad day, discouraged by the worldwide pandemic, or simply experiencing a time of gloom…then I have just the medicine for you…laughs and giggles…and plenty of them!

I hope that the following cartoons and quips will help brighten your day, bring a smile to your face and a song to your heart.

Enjoy!

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I hope you enjoyed them!

Good news…there will be another addition SOON!

Quarantine Smiles

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Photo Credit: Etty Fidele via Unsplash

As the worldwide quarantine continues, so does the boredom and monotony of staying indoors and being confined in limited areas.

Well, good news!! It’s time for a good giggle, smile, or laugh! The following pictures / quotes are a collection of humorous images that I accumulated from around the web and friends of mine.

It is my hope that the following photos will bring a smile to your face and a song to your heart.

Enjoy!

Batman After QBush MaskAliensClosedAirlineButtonsDog LoungingFluffyFloor MatEasterFarmersGrandpa WindowKnock KnockLoch NessLogScaleRacecarQuarantine day 11OlderMissing 2020Social Distancing Choice

Robin Williams

Robin Williams

Safe SaxTP RollWeddingsToiletTired Dog

Church Ladies with Typewriters

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Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies (and men) with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or announcements.

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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The sermon this morning:  ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

The Clever Old Man

katarina-g--51LlTIUaHE-unsplashOne evening, an old farmer decided to to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, to check it out and have a look around.

He had grabbed a five-gallon bucket to gather some fruit and bring it back to his house.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw that it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women award of his presence and they all moved quickly to the deep end.

One woman shouted to him, “We are not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned and said, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding up his bucket, he said, “I am here to feed the alligator.”

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I hope this little story brought a smile to your face today! Go out and share a smile with someone today…I DARE you!  🙂

Gonna Be A Bear

brown bear in body of water during daytime

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The following is a great “wish list” that I think a lot of women (even men) would probably like to be some day. But for now, I hope that you enjoy the following humorous dream than a lady once wrote…

In this life, I am a woman. In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear. When you are a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you are a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that!

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows that you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excessive body fat.

Yup…gonna be a bear!!

It’s Time to Clean the Refrigerator!

woman wearing pink knit top opening refrigerator

Photo by Daria Shevtsova on Pexels.com

 

Nobody likes a mess! Dirty laundry, dusty shelves, unkept rooms, filthy floors, greasy dishes, dungy basements, smudged windows, smelly garbage cans, the list can go on and on. Unfortunately, and we all have to do it, we need to put on our working shoes, roll up our sleeves, and get to work to clean up these messes.

Today, I am sharing a story contributed by my friend, Charlene, author of the website, “Boot-camp Has Chandeliers”. in which she shares an enjoyable little tale of a mundane job, that most of us have done at some point of our lives, and describes the chore to us in an amusing way.

I would like to encourage you to visit her site and read other contributions that she has written. I am sure that you will like some of her other writings as well.

Here we go…

Clean the Refrigerator Day!
Don’t ya just dislike cleaning a refrigerator? Don’t ya wish they would be self-
cleaning; wouldn’t ya think someone would have come up with that by now?

Ya know, I don’t remember if Mom taught me how to clean one or if I am self-
taught. I just know that I pretty much follow a routine and do not use chemicals
to do so.

The first thing that I do is “dress for it” like putting grubby clothes on cause I know
I’m going to get dirty more or less and I just don’t like it. Anyway, then I put my
hair up so it doesn’t get in my face and head to the kitchen.

I grab a bundle of paper towels, a couple of scrubbers that don’t scratch
anything but do the job; my trusty Mr. Clean thingys (I know… that is probably
not a word, but anyway….I just love those things because they do a wonderful
job on just about anything!) Then I put the stopper in the sink and run hot water
with Dawn, using a couple of cap-fulls of Vinegar in the water and I’m ready. I
am prepared to sit on a chair if I have to for some of those sections because
getting on my knees is very uncomfortable and at the bottom sections; yup, I sit
on the floor.

I think I watched Mom once just empty the whole “refrige” at once; I don’t do
that, I do little areas at a time….I know, maybe it sounds like it will take forever
but there is really a method to my madness. I just do it in sections; remove the
stuff that’s in that particular section and depending on how bad it is I might just
take the paper towel and dampen it to get surface stuff up first and do the inside
of the doors. Those are the easier areas as surfaces go. I gotta remove all the stuff
in the door and if it’s there more than a year and marked that way, I just toss it.
If I can liquefy anything and put it down the disposal I do that and then throw
away the container.

The yuckiest part is the cleaning the trays and crispers; right? You know what
those are…..ewwww! I won’t go into detail cause you might get sick but…..those
“have” to come out and soak! Then I have to stick my head in those hard to
reach areas and get the crud out of there. Oh, I hate doing that (who designed
these things anyway?) This is the most difficult area to reach! The trays and
crispers are soaking while I do this part and I can’t wait to get to the higher
places so I don’t have to bend over so much; get my drift?

Now, what I have also been doing is wiping off those bottles, jars, food containers
that I keep and taking everything sticky off of them, make sense? What good is a
clean and fresh fridge if containers are yucky?

Ok; I’m just about done, it’s getting easier and the trays and crispers are back in
place and the bottom and middle parts are done; just have the top…..whew! The
hard part is over; to my thinking anyway. Just a few more things to put in place
keeping everything neat and tidy as I go. I look at the clock…..it just took me two
and a half hours to do this, wow! I don’t know what the standard is but I’m
thinking “not too bad.”

So; that is what I did today my fellow travelers. Did you enjoy your little
adventure with me? Are you as tired as I am? Time for a little snack so I will
finish off with a Klondike bar while a sit and relax. Oh yes, I still listen for the
Father’s voice but I think He was enjoying this because He knows there are no
refrigerators in Heaven…..LOL! I think I can hear Him chuckle…….till next
time…..

Have a wonderful day and share a smile with someone!

**If you have a story or an anecdote that you would like to contribute, please send them my way or LMK…IT’S FREE ADVERTSING!