People are always wondering to themselves what they can or can’t eat. They are worried about their weight and are constantly looking for the “perfect diet” that will help them shed those dastardly extra pounds. People ask themselves, “Should I eat just vegetables? What about starting a
diet? Atkins diet? The Zone Diet or the Vegan diet? Maybe I should just eat fish?” The list and controversy can seem endless..you can feel like you are on the Gerbil Wheel of your diet life…going around and around in circles and getting nowhere.
Well, I have some things that may help make your decisions about the right or wrong kinds of food to eat a little easier…and more simplified. So, without further hesitation, here is some “food for thought”…
You can’t eat pork…you might get the Swine Flu
You can’t eat chicken…you might get the Bird Flu
You can’t eat beef…you might get Mad Cow Disease
You can’e eat eggs…you might get Salmonella
You can’t eat fish…there are heavy metals and poison in their waters
You can’t eat Fruits and Vegetables…because of the herbicides and insecticides
Hmmmmm….what CAN you eat?
I believe that leaves Cakes, Chocolate, and Ice Cream!!!!
In today’s world, amidst all of the depressing news and the negative climate, I think it is good for a person to have at least one laugh, giggle, or smile every day. So, without further ado…here’s a little story:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping on the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell into a deep, restful sleep after a long day on the trail. Some hours later, Tonto wakes up the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky…what you see?
The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems like we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Tonto?
“You dumber than buffalo…it means someone stole tent.”
Are you having a lousy day and need something to make you smile? Then today’s little story is just for you!
A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane …
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, ‘Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’
The blind lady replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.’
Now Picture This:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
I came across this story a short time ago that I thought would be an interesting thing to share.
A Public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport this morning as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator. At a press conference just before noon today, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. Although he did not identify the man, he confirmed the man has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-Gebra is a problem for us”, the Attorney General said. “They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.” They use secret names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.” The Attorney General went onto say “teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them to solve problems is dangerous and puts our government at risk.
As most of you already know, I enjoy finding inspirational, motivational, heartwarming stories and any other kind of story, picture, etc. that will leave a person giggling, smiling, or feeling good about life. Well, today’s story is no exception. The author is unknown, but the story is a tale about some soldiers who confronted a mob of angry warriors and an eyewitness account of what they experienced…then lived to tell the tale.
Here is their story.
“We were in the United States Marines, doing a mock war in the Norwegian city of Trondheim with the Dutch, Germans, and other allies, training in urban combat> My infantry unit was positioned in a large soccer field next to an elementary school. Keep in mind there was no actual combat, even simulated; it was mostly just practicing maneuvers and tactics. But we still looked out of place with our weapons and gear, etc. It was February in Norway. Cold a sheck. Snow up to our knees. Norway obviously has no snow days, so the kids were all in school.
Anyway, so Norway has this most delicious and amazing delicacy, I have no idea what it is called, but it is basically a bacon-wrapped hot dog; we assumed it was called Candy of the Lord. As Americans, we were naturally and instantly addicted. You find them in gas stations, and there just happened to be one on the other side of the school where we were camped. A few of my fellow Marines and I requested permission to go to the gas station and we set out on our way.
We made it to right about where the main entrance of the school was, and the doors opened…school was out. There were only a few kids, probably 6 or 7 years old. Lots of talking and laughing. Gawking at us as we walked by, with our guns and huge ridiculous snow suits. One precocious little guy made shooting noises at us. We made shooting noises right back.
Then someone in my group…I don’t know who…God help me, I don’t know who…
Someone threw a snowball and hit a little girl in the leg.
Then those little Norwegian children unleashed hell.
There was a shrill cry of unintelligible gibberish and the doors of the school burst open. School children flooded out like a never-ending flood of something that never ends. Screeching, smiling, sprinting – how in the world were they sprinting?” the little bastards were slinging snowballs faster than the law of physics should allow. It was like the movie Elf. If you can imagine riding fast in a car during a snowstorm and sticking your head out the window. Now imagine the snowflakes that are hitting your face are snowballs.
We couldn’t see a thing. We couldn’t run.
We could barely breathe
We were in hell.
We tried to return fire and threw one, maybe two half-packed crappy snowballs that fell apart in the air, arms flailing like a wimpy little kid. I am from Texas. We are a unit stationed in North Carolina. We were so outmatched and out of our element, it made them laugh even harder. We were cut off from our main forces. We tried to perform a flanking maneuver, but they were too fast. I think that some of them were even throwing rocks!
As for my comrades, I could see them speed waddling in their huge snow suits back to camp like a messed-up pair of Teletubbies under withering fire. Screw tactics, screw me, screw the Candy of the Lord…this was survival! I was the slow one in the group. My snow boots were too big but they were the smallest size they had at the Issue tent! My Marines had left me behind!
I tried pulling my hood over my head and keeping my head down. No longer content to pelt my body with ballistic snow, the enemy swarmed me and dragged me down, cackling like a bunch of hyenas descending on a wildebeest. I tried to sling them off me by spinning. I came out of one of my boots and fell. I began to scream and plead for them to stop but they neither understood nor gave a single Nordic damn. They literally pinned me down with about five kids on each limb. It was then that I actually thought – “oh crap…I’m really in trouble.” My snow mittens were ripped off and flung into the trees. They started shoveling snow down my suit. Have you ever had anyone drop an ice cube down your back? Well, now imagine someone shoveling handfuls of ice cubes down your shirt. It literally shocked the breath out of my body!
They left me laying there like a Family Guy accident victim. Moaning and screaming in the cold. Rifle packed with snow and dirt. Boot buried somewhere. The kids ran away laughing and jabbering in their crazy language. I just lay there trying to figure out what in the world had just happened.”
The Holiday Season can be a time of great stress and make people anxious as they rush around stores, malls, etc., to find gifts and presents for the family, friends, and loved ones. Whether it be preparing dinners, snacks or great feasts, getting ready for the relatives, the list goes on and on. After a while, it can simply become overwhelming.
Well, today, I have good news for you! I collected a few quips about the Holiday Season that, I hope, will bring a smile to your face, gladness in your heart, and a giggle or two, to help brighten your day.
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge
“For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!” – Anne Bristow
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers
“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope
“It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the Naughty List”. – Anon
“Christmas: the only time of year that you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy from socks”. – Anonymous
“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Unknown
“Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Unknown
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men”. – Jay leno
“I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.” – Demetri Martin
“People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” – Unknown
“Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.” – Unknown
“Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy’.” – Robert Paul
“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Unknown
“You know you are getting old, when Santa starts looking younger”. – Bart Simpson
“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly”. – Andy Rooney
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall”. – Larry Wilde
“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I’ll drink the red”. – Unknown
“Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, bought practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and there would be peace on earth”!
“At Christmas, all roads lead home”. – Marjorie Holmes
Over the course of time, the civilization of man has always had great questions that they sometimes spent years and years to try to solve those mysteries. How can man fly like a bird? They invented the airplane. Could they discover a way to light up a room without a candle? The light bulb was invented. How cool would it have been to our ancestors to go to the moon? The rocket ship was created. The list goes on and on and on.
Unfortunately, mankind still has a plethora of other great unsolved mysteries that may never be resolved. These are the problems that inquisitive minds want to know the answer to…but may never know!
Here we go…
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Would lightning come down faster if it came down in a straight line instead of crooked ones?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for ‘normal’ people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out that it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder……
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?’
Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum.’
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on…….
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
And the list goes on and on…
What is YOUR favorite “life mystery”? Please feel free to share!
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you had an opportunity to speak with God? What would you say? What would you ask Him for? What would you do? This is an interesting question, right? Well, hopefully, your conversation wouldn’t end up as the following one did!
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.
The man asked, “God, what’s a million years to you?” and God said, “A minute.”
Then the man asked, “Well, what’s a million dollars to you?” and God said, “A penny.”
Then the man asked, “God…..can I have a penny?” and God said, “Sure…..in a minute.”
Hope you enjoyed this cute little story and the smile and giggle that went along with it.
Ah! The innocence of youth, If you ever want to hear “the truth” or “honest opinion” from someone…just ask a kid. On the other hand, children can be mysterious. You never know what precious “words of wisdom” may come out of their mouths and many times, you can’t keep yourself from smiling, giggling, or down-right laughing.
I recently asked a few of my friends to share with me some funny stories about some of the things that their young children have said or done. It is my great pleasure to share with you some of these stories from my dear friends Crystal, Mimi, Caroline, Heidi, Sabrina, and a few others selected from around the web. So, without further ado, sit back read on, and get ready for some stories that will be certain to put a smile on your face and some warmth in your soul!
Lulu: “What is a paparazzi?”
Mom: “People who take pictures of famous celebrities.”
Lulu: “What’s a celebrity?”
Mom: “Someone who everyone knows.”
Lulu: “Like Taylor Swift or God?”
Levi: “Can I please have another cookie?”
Gigi: “No, but I have something more important to tell you…”
Levi: There is nothing more important than cookies!”
Dylan: “My shoes are tired.” (instead of, “My feet hurt or I’m tired.”)
“When it thunders, my son always says, “God must be really hungry!” (As if he is saying that the sky/heaven is God’s belly)
A men’s boxer brief commercial was advertising on the TV when Crystal’s little girl explained to her how the “extra room” zone was actually just a kangaroo pouch!
The other day, Sabrina and her little boy were down by the sea looking at a lighthouse when he suddenly, ” blurted out, “holy ship!” He looked at his mom in awe and said, “whooooo Baby! Holy ship mama…” People who were standing around them turned and started laughing. Sabrina informed everyone, “He said SHIP! I swear!” The world will never know…
A little while ago, Eddie brought his daughter to the doctor’s office for one of his visits. She kept asking her dad if things hurt him. “Are your ears OK? Does your throat hurt? Do you have a belly ache?” Then, the loudest question of all…one that made everyone look up and stare at Eddie…” Daddy! Does your hiney hole hurt?”
Gigi: “You did a good job staying in your bed at Gigi’s last night.”
Levi: Well, I did get up one time, Gigi.”
Levi: “Yes, because I picked a booger with my finger and I needed a flashlight so I could look at it.”
SMH, such a boy!
Crystal walked into her little girl the other day and found her putting on her deodorant. Her daughter said that she had to put her “armpit tickler protector on.” Obviously, it is made to prevent tickle attacks, not excess sweating or smells 😊
Levi brought over a new puppy the other day when he saw Po (his grandpa) scolding the cat for hissing at him.
Levi: “Po, why are you talking to the cat? Don’t you know that cats can’t talk?”
A few minutes later, when Levi was talking to his puppy…
Po: “Levi, why are you talking to the dog? Don’t you know that dogs can’t talk?”
Levi: “I know Po, but they are good listeners!”
Po: Well, you got me there!”
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.” “How did you know?” his mother asked. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”
After dinner, one night, Caroline’s little boy’s tummy made a noise…probably digesting what he just ate…when he says to everyone, “My tummy is saying thank you!”
Me: Did you know that she has a baby in her belly? (referring to a pregnant co-worker)
Kid: (horrified) You ate your baby?!
During an elementary recess, a 2nd grader approached her Physical Education teacher who was on Recess Duty…
Lara: “Coach, can I ask you a question?”
Coach: “Yes Lara, what is it?”
Lara: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
6-Year-Old: “Is kindergarten two years?”
Teacher: “No, just one.”
6-Year-Old: Well, it felt like two!”
We say that we go to work to pay the bills a lot because now my son, Dylan, thinks that’s what we do for a living says his mom. When he asks, “Where’s daddy?” and I tell him that he’s at work, he responds by saying, “Daddy’s paying the bills.” When I asked him, “what does daddy do at work?” Dylan answered, “Daddy pays the bills.”
Dylan loves picking up his toy toolbox and say he’s going to work. The other day, when he was asked what he was going to do, he said, “I am going to pay the bills and mortgage.” Adorable!
“Children are our greatest treasure. They are our future.” ~ Nelson Mandela
Welcome to the second installment of “Children Say the Funniest Things.” As I stated in my previous installment, “Children Say the Funniest Things Part One,” I am a Physical Education teacher and have taught children on all levels…from Kindergarten to college. It has always ben one of my favorite things about teaching and fatherhood to listen to what kids say in certain situations or give their answers to…what we as adults think…simple questions.
So, sit back, relax, grab a cup of your favorite beverage and maybe a snack…and get ready to enjoy a giggle, a chuckle, or a good laugh.
A four year old girl was drinking a cup of cold orange juice when she suddenly got the hiccups. “Don’t give me this juice again,” she said. “It makes my teeth cough.”
A second-grade city school teacher decided to take her class on a trip to a farm. When they returned to school at the end of the day, she asked the children: “What were some of the sounds that you heard on your trip to the farm today?”
“Hey! Get off my tractor!!!”
Five-year-old, Deana, asked her Granny how old she was. Her grandmother said that she was so old that she had forgotten her age.
“Well, then, Granny you have to look on the back of your underpants. Mine says five to six.”
A nine-year-old daughter walked into her mother’s bedroom as she was getting ready for work.
“What are you doing?,” she asked.
“Putting on my wrinkle cream,” the mother answered.
“Oh,” she said, walking away. “I thought that they were natural.”
Edith was a five-year-old and she had an earache. She knew where to find the painkillers but she couldn’t open the bottle. She brought the bottle to her mother, who explained that it was a childproof bottle that only adult could open. Eyes wide open with wonder, Edith said, “but how does it know it’s ME?”
The mother of a three-year-old was surprised to hear him say, “yes, sir,” to her. She explained the “sir” was for men and “ma’ma” for women.
So, what would you say to Daddy?”
“Very good. And to Mama?”
“ And to grandma?”
The little boy’s face lit up as he replied, “Can I have a cookie?”
A six-year-old girl, Angela, returned home from school and told her mom that they had their first family planning lesson that day. Wondering what it could be about, her mother asks, “How did it go?”
“I was so ashamed!” said the little girl.
“Billy from across the street said that the stork brings babies.” Nancy, our next door neighbor, said that you can buy babies from the orphanage. Johnny said that his little sister was bought in a hospital.”
Laughing and giggling a little bit, her mom said, “But that’s no reason to be ashamed!”
“No, but I couldn’t tell them that we were so poor that you and Daddy had to make me yourselves!”
A teacher gave her second grade class a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day, in a written test, she included the question, “My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up tings. What am I?”
When the test papers were turned in, almost half of the students answered the question with the word…”Mother.”
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is a bride dressed in white?”
“Because it is the color of happiness,” explained her mother. “And today is the happiest day of her life!”
The child thought of it for a moment, then asked, “Why is the groom wearing black then?”
Teacher: “How old is your father?”
Kid: “He is 6 years old.”
Teacher: “What? How is that possible?”
Kid: “He became a father only when I was born
**Logic: Children are quick and always speak their minds 🙂
Teacher: “Maria, go to the map and find North America.”
Maria: “Here it is.”
Teacher: “Correct. Now class, who discovered America?”
Teacher: “How do you spell ‘crocodile’?”
Teacher: “No, that’s wrong.”
Tommy: Maybe it is wrong…but you asked me how I spell it.”
Teacher: “What is the chemical formula for water?”
Kevin: “H I J K L M N O.”
Teacher: “What are you talking about?”
Kevin: “Yesterday you said it was H to O>”
Teacher: “Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?”
Clyde: “No sir. It’s the same dog.”
(I love this kid! I want to adopt him 🙂
Last but not least….
Teacher: “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Franklin: “A Teacher.”
I hope that you enjoyed these short stories. Look for the 3rd installment of “Children Say the Funniest Things” sometime in the future.
If you have a funny story to share, please feel free to do so!!
There is nothing better in the world than a nice, big laugh…a good belly-laugh. Laughing and smiling is an awesome remedy for the soul. It can brighten your day. It can turn a dark time into an enjoyable light. It’s funny how an individuals view of life can sometimes drastically change when they “take the frown and turn it upside-down.”
I recently came across the following story which demonstrates to us the wonderful power of the gift of laughter. It is my hope that this story might help someone who may be suffering some kind of hardship.
Many years ago, Norman Cousins was diagnosed as “terminally ill”. He was given six months to live. His chance for recovery was 1 in 500.
He could see the worry, depression and anger in his life contributed to, and perhaps helped cause, his disease. He wondered, “If illness can be caused by negativity, can wellness be created by positivity?”
He decided to make an experiment of himself. Laughter was one of the most positive activities he knew. He rented all the funny movies he could find – Keaton, Chaplin, Fields, the Marx Brothers. (This was before VCRs, so he had to rent the actual films.) He read funny stories. He asked his friends to call him whenever they said, heard or did something funny.
His pain was so great he could not sleep. Laughing for 10 solid minutes, he found, relieved the pain for several hours so he could sleep.
He fully recovered from his illness and lived another 20 happy, healthy and productive years. (His journey is detailed in his book, Anatomy of an Illness.) He credits visualization, the love of his family and friends, and laughter for his recovery.
Some people think laughter is a waste of time. It is a luxury, they say, a frivolity, something to indulge in only every so often.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Laughter is essential to our equilibrium, to our well-being, to our aliveness. If we’re not well, laughter helps us get well; if we are well, laughter helps us stay that way.
Since Cousins’ ground-breaking subjective work, scientific studies have shown that laughter has a curative effect on the body, the mind and the emotions.
So, if you like laughter, consider it sound medical advice to indulge in it as often as you can. If you don’t like laughter, then take your medicine – laugh anyway.
Use whatever makes you laugh – movies, sitcoms, Monty Python, records, books, New Yorker cartoons, jokes, friends.
Give yourself permission to laugh – long and loud and out loud – whenever anything strikes you as funny. The people around you may think you’re strange, but sooner or later they’ll join in even if they don’t know what you’re laughing about.
Some diseases may be contagious, but none is as contagious as the cure. . . laughter.
By Peter McWilliams
From “Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul”
I enjoy hearing funny conversations that go on between people during their everyday lives. Today, I am posting some of the hilarious statements that were made between airport control towers and airline pilots. I found these on the great web sites, tickld.com and freemaninstitute.com. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!
Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f-ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f-ing bored, not f-ing stupid!”
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”
Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”
While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
Here are some humorous tips on the subject of aviation:
* Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back they get smaller. (unless you keep pulling the stick back — then they get bigger again)
* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
* It’s best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
* Every one already knows the definition of a “good landing” is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a “great landing.” It’s one after which you can use the airplane another time.
* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
* Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.
* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down — all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can’t really fly — they’re just so ugly
that the earth immediately repels them.
* Trust your captain . . . . but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
* A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
* Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw.
* It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.