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I came across a short article about Microsoft co-founder, Bill Gates, when he spoke to a high school not too long ago. There has been some debate whether or not he actually delivered this speech, but the points here are “right on the money”. The following eleven points are things that people either did not or will not learn in school. He spoke about how the feel-good, politically correct teachings have created a generation of children who have no concept of reality and how these ideas have set them up for failure in the real world.
Personally, I think that these eleven ideas are very insightful and are things in which, if we are wise enough, can help us to enrich our everyday lives.
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Rule 1: Life isn’t fair…get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough…wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up…it’s not your parents’ fault…so don’t whine about your mistakes…learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they will give you as MANY TIMES you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are, you’ll end up working for one.
Welcome to the second installment of “Children Say the Funniest Things.” As I stated in my previous installment, “Children Say the Funniest Things Part One,” I am a Physical Education teacher and have taught children on all levels…from Kindergarten to college. It has always ben one of my favorite things about teaching and fatherhood to listen to what kids say in certain situations or give their answers to…what we as adults think…simple questions.
So, sit back, relax, grab a cup of your favorite beverage and maybe a snack…and get ready to enjoy a giggle, a chuckle, or a good laugh.
A four year old girl was drinking a cup of cold orange juice when she suddenly got the hiccups. “Don’t give me this juice again,” she said. “It makes my teeth cough.”
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A second-grade city school teacher decided to take her class on a trip to a farm. When they returned to school at the end of the day, she asked the children: “What were some of the sounds that you heard on your trip to the farm today?”
“Mooooo”
“Meow!!”
“Quack! Quack!”
“Baaaa!”
“Hey! Get off my tractor!!!”
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Five-year-old, Deana, asked her Granny how old she was. Her grandmother said that she was so old that she had forgotten her age.
“Well, then, Granny you have to look on the back of your underpants. Mine says five to six.”
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A nine-year-old daughter walked into her mother’s bedroom as she was getting ready for work.
“What are you doing?,” she asked.
“Putting on my wrinkle cream,” the mother answered.
“Oh,” she said, walking away. “I thought that they were natural.”
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Edith was a five-year-old and she had an earache. She knew where to find the painkillers but she couldn’t open the bottle. She brought the bottle to her mother, who explained that it was a childproof bottle that only adult could open. Eyes wide open with wonder, Edith said, “but how does it know it’s ME?”
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The mother of a three-year-old was surprised to hear him say, “yes, sir,” to her. She explained the “sir” was for men and “ma’ma” for women.
So, what would you say to Daddy?”
“Wes, sir.”
“Very good. And to Mama?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“ And to grandma?”
The little boy’s face lit up as he replied, “Can I have a cookie?”
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A six-year-old girl, Angela, returned home from school and told her mom that they had their first family planning lesson that day. Wondering what it could be about, her mother asks, “How did it go?”
“I was so ashamed!” said the little girl.
“Billy from across the street said that the stork brings babies.” Nancy, our next door neighbor, said that you can buy babies from the orphanage. Johnny said that his little sister was bought in a hospital.”
Laughing and giggling a little bit, her mom said, “But that’s no reason to be ashamed!”
“No, but I couldn’t tell them that we were so poor that you and Daddy had to make me yourselves!”
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A teacher gave her second grade class a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day, in a written test, she included the question, “My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up tings. What am I?”
When the test papers were turned in, almost half of the students answered the question with the word…”Mother.”
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is a bride dressed in white?”
“Because it is the color of happiness,” explained her mother. “And today is the happiest day of her life!”
The child thought of it for a moment, then asked, “Why is the groom wearing black then?”
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Teacher: “How old is your father?”
Kid: “He is 6 years old.”
Teacher: “What? How is that possible?”
Kid: “He became a father only when I was born
**Logic: Children are quick and always speak their minds 🙂
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Teacher: “Maria, go to the map and find North America.”
Maria: “Here it is.”
Teacher: “Correct. Now class, who discovered America?”
Class: “Maria!”
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Teacher: “How do you spell ‘crocodile’?”
Tommy: “K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L”
Teacher: “No, that’s wrong.”
Tommy: Maybe it is wrong…but you asked me how I spell it.”
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Teacher: “What is the chemical formula for water?”
Kevin: “H I J K L M N O.”
Teacher: “What are you talking about?”
Kevin: “Yesterday you said it was H to O>”
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Teacher: “Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?”
Clyde: “No sir. It’s the same dog.”
(I love this kid! I want to adopt him 🙂
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Last but not least….
Teacher: “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Franklin: “A Teacher.”
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I hope that you enjoyed these short stories. Look for the 3rd installment of “Children Say the Funniest Things” sometime in the future.
If you have a funny story to share, please feel free to do so!!
The joy and satisfaction of making a life-long difference in a person’s life is an experience and accomplishment of untold fulfillment. I have been a teacher for more than 30 years and have had the opportunity to teach thousands of people. It is such a gratifying and rewarding sentiment when I see my “kids” grow up, go to college, and become successful men and women in their professions and families.
Personally, there is honestly one thing that I have always felt that has been satisfying more than this…and that would be the instances when I had the chance to encourage and support a “less fortunate” individual. Watching them gain confidence and self-esteem as they journeyed down the “road of life”, gives me an amazingly sense of accomplishment.
Today’s story is a tremendous illustration of times when we judge people wrongly, by their looks and actions…then, fortunately, open their eyes to their REAL situation . The following is a heartwarming, inspirational true story of such an instance.
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Mrs. Thompson stood in front of her fifth grade class on the first day of school and told a lie, a big lie. As she welcomed the students, she said that she would treat them all the same. But that was not true because there was one student she would not treat the same – his name was Teddy Stoddard.
The school district hired Ms. Thompson the year before and she couldn’t help but notice Teddy last year. He was a known problem child with a lousy academic record. He didn’t play well with others; his clothes were a mess; he always looked like he needed a bath, and he had a bad attitude. Consequently, Mrs. Thompson delighted in marking Teddy’s papers with a broad red pen and placing big bold ‘X’s on all his wrong answers. She loved putting a large ‘F’ at the top of his papers so other students could see his grade when she handed them out.
School policy required that each teacher review the records of their students during the first week of December. Mrs. Thompson held Teddy’s file off until last. When she finally sat down to review his file, she was taken aback. Teddy’s first grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is a bright child who does neat work and has excellent classroom manners. He is a joy to have in my class – I will miss him next year.”
His second grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is an above average student who is well liked by his classmates. He has been having trouble lately because of his mother’s illness, and life at home has really been a struggle for him.”
His third grade teacher wrote, “His mother’s recent death has been very hard on Teddy. He tries hard to do his best, but his father doesn’t show much interest and his home life is negatively affecting him.”
Teddy’s fourth grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is a withdrawn child who doesn’t show much interest in school. He has few friends, often comes to class unprepared, and is frequently disruptive.”
Mrs. Thompson was now ashamed of her behavior. She felt even worse a few weeks later when her students brought in their Christmas presents for her. All were wrapped in holiday paper and tied with ribbons except for one. Teddy’s was clumsily wrapped in brown paper from an old grocery bag with no ribbon. Mrs. Thompson opened Teddy’s present first. Some children laughed when they saw a rhinestone bracelet with several stones missing and an old bottle of perfume only 1/4 full; but Mrs. Thompson quickly stifled their laughter by commenting on how beautiful the bracelet was as she put in on. She then dabbed some perfume on each wrist, inhaled deeply and said it smells wonderful.
Before he left class that afternoon, Teddy walked up to Mrs. Thompson’s desk, slowly leaned in and said, “I just want you to know you smell just like my Mom use to.” Then he ran out of the room. When all the other students left, Mrs. Thompson cried at her desk. That was the day she vowed to quit teaching. Never again would she teach reading, writing or arithmetic, instead she would start teaching children.
She began to pay attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind came alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the school year, Teddy was one of the brightest students in her class. Despite “her lie to treat all students the same,” it was obvious Teddy was her pet. The following year, Teddy transferred to middle school and Mrs. Thompson never saw him again.
Towards the end of the next school year, Mrs. Thompson found a note under her door. It was a note from Teddy telling her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Seven years passed before she received another note. This time Teddy wrote he had just finished high school – third in his class – and that he would be going to college and that, by the way Mrs. Thompson, you are still the best teacher I ever had in my whole life.
Four more years went by when a letter from Teddy arrived explaining he had graduated from college and was planning on going to medical school in the fall and, by the way Mrs. Thompson, you are still the best teacher I ever had.
Several years passed before another letter arrived. In this letter, Teddy stated he met a woman and they would be getting married in June. He explained that his father died a few years earlier and he was wondering if she, Mrs. Thompson, would agree to sit in the place of honor reserved for the groom’s parents at the head table. This letter was signed Theodore J. Stoddard M.D.
Of course Mrs. Thomson agreed. She arrived at the plush wedding ceremony wearing an old rhinestone bracelet with several rhinestones missing and carried a scent of a perfume that Teddy once said reminded him of his mother. Dr. Stoddard came forward and hugged her. As he inhaled the fragrance of her perfume, he whispered in her ear, “Thank you Mrs. Thompson for making me feel important and thank you for making a difference in my life.” Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back, “No Teddy you have it wrong. I need to thank you. You taught me. You taught me I could make a difference.”
Sometimes, simple illustrations teach us simple but important life lessons…..
One day a professor entered the classroom and asked his students to prepare for a surprise test. They waited anxiously at their desks for the test to begin. The professor handed out the question paper, with the text facing down as usual. Once he handed them all out, he asked his students to turn the page and begin. To everyone’s surprise, there were no questions….just a black dot in the center of the page. The professor seeing the expression on everyone’s face, told them the following:
“I want you to write what you see there.”
The students confused, got started on the inexplicable task.
At the end of the class, the professor took all the answer papers and started reading each one of them aloud in front of all the students. All of them with no exceptions, described the black dot, trying to explain its position in the middle of the sheet, etc. etc. etc. After all had been read, the classroom silent, the professor began to explain:
“I am not going to grade on you this, I just wanted to give you something to think about. No one wrote about the white part of the paper. Everyone focused on the black dot – and the same happens in our lives. We have a white paper to observe and enjoy, but we always focus on the dark spots. Our life is a gift given to us by God, with love and care, and we always have reasons to celebrate – nature renewing itself everyday, our friends around us, the job that provides our livelihood, the miracles we see everyday…….
However we insist on focusing only on the dark spots – the health issues that bother us, the lack of money, the complicated relationship with a family member, the disappointment with a friend etc
The dark spots are very small compared to everything we have in our lives, but they are the ones that pollute our minds.
Take your eyes away from the black spots in your life. Enjoy each one of your blessings, each moment that life gives you.
Years ago a John Hopkin’s professor gave a group of graduate students this assignment: Go to the slums. Take 200 boys, between the ages of 12 and 16, and investigate their background and environment. Then predict their chances for the future. The students, after consulting social statistics, talking to the boys, and compiling much data, concluded that 90 percent of the boys would spend some time in jail.
Twenty-five years later another group of graduate students was given the job of testing the prediction. They went back to the same area. Some of the boys – by then men – were still there, a few had died, some had moved away, but they got in touch with 180 of the original 200. They found that only four of the group had ever been sent to jail.
Why was it that these men, who had lived in a breeding place of crime, had such a surprisingly good record? The researchers were continually told: “Well, there was a teacher…” They pressed further, and found that in 75 percent of the cases it was the same woman.
The researchers went to this teacher, now living in a home for retired teachers. How had she exerted this remarkable influence over that group of children? Could she give them any reason why these boys should have remembered her? “No,” she said, “no I really couldn’t.” And then, thinking back over the years, she said amusingly, more to herself than to her questioners: “I loved those boys…”
I have been a teacher for 30 years and one of the great things about my profession, is that you never know what might happen each day when I come to school. So, it is with much amusement, that when I find (or experience) something funny, I enjoy sharing it with others.
So it is with today’s story. It is told from the perspective of a veteran teacher during one of her “Show and Tell” sessions which she had in her class on a weekly basis.
Enjoy!
I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade class a few years back.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. “This is Luke, my baby brother, and I am going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother’s stomach. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.” She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.
“Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, “Oh, oh, oh!” Erica puts her hand behind her back and groans. “She walked around the house for, like an hour, “Oh, oh, oh!” Now this kid is doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning. “My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my mother to lay down in bed like this.” Erica lies down with her back against the wall. “And then, POP! My mother had this bad of water she kept in there just in case she got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like pssshhheeeww!”
The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breath, breathe. They start counting, but they never even get past 10. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered with yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there.”
The Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it’s Show-and-Tell Day, I bring my camcorder – just in case another “Middle Wife” come along.
Being a teacher, I enjoy finding articles, lists or pictures and some funny and goofy things that students either say or do. That’s why, when I found the following list of 20 stupid things that students say or ask…I had to share them with you. I hope that they bring a little smile to your face and joy to your life!
1. “Why don’t the terrorist countries have to follow the constitution?”
2. “During WWI why were all of the women slaving away making shells for the war when they could have just gone to the beach and gotten them from there?”
3. “So all 435 representatives live in one house?”
4. Professor: so who can tell me about Pearl Harbor?
Girl: Oh. my. god. I love that movie.
5. “If we have weapons that can blow up the entire world, how come no one has used them?”
6. “If China is ahead of us by like a day, why didn’t they warn us about 9/11?”
7. “Hey do you know what day the professor hands out the textbook?”
8. “Sorry I’m late, would you mind starting over?”
9. Professor: What was the name of the Indian that helped guide Lewis and Clark?
Student: Sohcahtoa?
10. “Rice grows in fields? I thought it was made from chipped potatoes…”
11. “I have a note from my mom can I get an extension?”
12. Professor: You have 90 minutes for this exam.
Student: You told us we have an hour and a half!
13. In class we were discussing the hole in the ozone layer. Some girl blurts out “oh! That is the hole that the space shuttle flies through, right?”
14. We were discussing forest fires that were going on somewhere in the Midwest at the time, and a girl asked “How can the fires keep burning for more than one day? Do they start back up again every morning?”
15. English professor was collecting food and stuff to send to Japan after the tsunami, namely rice.
Girl raised her hand and asked if it was to soak up all the water.
16. Biology Professor: Look at the person sitting next to you. You share 99% of your DNA with them.
Student: Omg! Is that why you did the seating chart this way?
17. “Did Albert Einstein invent electricity? Or did he just discover it?”
18. “If a bear and a deer were the last things on earth, would they mate?”
19. During a lecture on greenhouse effects, a student raised their hand and asked “Why wouldn’t they just stop building greenhouses?!”
20. Freshman bio class, talking about DNA damage via free radicals and how some foods have antioxidants. Obnoxious super tan girl in front row: “So, like, how many blueberries should I eat if I, like, tan twice a week?”
