There are many things that cause people to suffer all kinds of undo stress and anxiety in today’s world. What people need to do, probably more now than ever, is to take a few minutes out of their busy schedule each day and do something that they enjoy. If you are a person that like to read things that make you relax and smile…then today’s blog is just for you!! So, sit back, relax and smile!
1. Two vultures board an airplane. Each was carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen; only one carrion per passenger allowed.”
2. A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. A stunned patron then asks the waiter, “What was that all about?” The waiter responded, “That’s just the way pandas are,” and walked away. Well, the patron didn’t know what a panda was, so at home that night he looks up “panda” in the dictionary and what he finds explains everything: “Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves.”
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank. This proves once again you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He gained his stature from pi.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
8. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she says to her husband, “I wish I had a picture of Ahmal as well.”
Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
9. A monastery was behind on their belfry payments. They decided to open a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down. They would not.
He went back later and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they finally did.
The moral of the story? Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you may or may not know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. With his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
11. There was this ‘blogger who posted ten different puns, hoping at least one of the puns would make his readers laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
12. Many years ago, a baker’s assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices. He sent his apprentice to the store to buy more.
Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.