A Day for the Dogs

Photo by Valeria Boltneva from Pexels

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionallycomplete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no. I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

No Nursing Home for Me!

Photo Credit: Pexels-Pixabay

No nursing home for me. I’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for nursing home care being approximately $275.00 per day, there is a better way to go when we get old and feeble.

I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.

For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it is $79.00 per night. Breakfast included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.

That leaves $196.00 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.

There is another big plus…they hotel also provides a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer dryer, etc. Most hotels have free toothpaste and razors, and all of them have free soap and shampoo.

If you give $10 worth of tips a day, you will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

They will treat you like a customer…not a patient.

There is a city bus stop out front and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus to the airport and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you are at the airport, fly somewhere…otherwise, the cash will keep building up.

It takes months and months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today…and you are not stuck in one place forever. You can move from Inn to Inn, or even city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a new mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and a daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they call an ambulance…or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from your family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini vacation and the grandkids can use the pool!

What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age…I will face it with a grin!!

~ Author Unknown

Getting Older

Photo Credit: Pexels.com ~ Image 69415

It is funny how a person’s outlook on life changes as they get older….

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers..

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the ‘John’ and renamed it the ‘Jim’. I feel so much better saying “I went to the Jim this morning”.

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

I don’t have grey hair; I have “wisdom highlights” I’m just very wise.

Don’t ever ask me to bend down and touch my toes.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators We haven’t met yet.

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes when I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I’m not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
– I don’t have to go to school or work.
– I have a driver’s license and my own car.
– I get an allowance every month.
– I have my own ipad (although I can’t recall where I kept it)
– I don’t have a curfew.

Life is great.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
Now, I’m wondering…did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

Have a good chuckle.

Laughter is Good Medicine!

Thanksgiving Humor

We all know that Thanksgiving 2020 is going to be one of the most unique Thanksgivings that we have ever experienced. Millions of people will not be able to celebrate with family members, relatives, friends, and loved ones.

Despite these difficult times, I decided to bring some cheer and merriment to you. I have collected several humorous Thanksgiving cartoons that will hopefully bring a smile to your face, a giggle to your heart, and make your Thanksgiving a little happier.

It is so important to remember, being thankful and giving thanks is more than a one day event…it should be something that we do EVERY DAY. If we truly give thanks each and every day, we will soon find that we will enjoy the true meaning Thanksgiving in our everyday lives

Enjoy the cartoons!

Listening to the Sound of Silence

Photo by Jon Sailer on Unsplash

Today’s world is getting busier and busier. It seems as though the anxieties, stresses, and the speed of the events going on around us are going faster and quicker every day. There are times when it seems like we just can’t catch up with the things that we would like to do. Our minds sometimes seem so overwhelmed with all the vast amounts of technology and information bombarding us…it can sometimes feel like we are going “over the edge.”

Well, I have good news for you time! The following is a simple story that I hope serves as a great reminder…for all of us…the importance of taking some time for ourselves each day!

There once was a farmer who discovered that he had lost his watch in his barn. You see, it was no ordinary watch because it had great sentimental value for him. The watch had been passed down to him through the generations and it broke his heart knowing that he lost the watch.

He searched and searched but he could not find the treasured heirloom. After much thought and contemplation, the farmer decided to enlist the help of a group of children that were playing outside the barn. The children looked and looked for the watch, but they just couldn’t find it.

The farmer was heartbroken…it seemed like the watch was lost forever. But just when the farmer was about to give up, a little boy came up to him and the farmer, “Mr. Farmer, can I look for the watch one more time?” The farmer looked at him and thought, “why not?” “It certainly wouldn’t hurt…after all your friends looked for a few hours and couldn’t find it,” the farmer said.

So, the farmer told the little boy to go back into the barn and continue his search.  To his complete surprise and astonishment, the boy come out, face beaming with pride, with the farmer’s watch in his hand!

The farmer was so happy and surprised! He asked the boy, “How did you find the watch? There were so many other people searching for it and they couldn’t find it, how did you discover it so quickly?”

The boy simply replied, “I did nothing but sit quietly on the ground and listen…in silence. Then I heard the ticking of the watch and just looked for it in the direction the sound was coming from.”

You see folks, in the hustle and bustle of today’s world, we all need to take some time for ourselves to be quiet and allow ourselves to enjoy the gift of relaxing, re-energizing silence. A peaceful mind will allow us to think better and more clearly than a mind full of turmoil, anxiety, and stress.

Allow yourself to take some time each day to silence your mind and discover how it will help your day run a little smoother and happier when you quiet your soul!

The Friday Closer

Photo Credit: Murad Murat via Pexels

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

Don’t Mess with Old People!

Photo Credit: Pexels.com

It was beautiful sunny day and an old lady decided to go to her bank. The lady walked inside, up to the counter and handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $2,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady wanted to know why…

The teller returned her bank card and irritable said to her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds then handed her card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “My apologies Ma’am, you have $35 million in your account and our bank doesn’t have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?”

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.

The teller told her any amount up to $250,000. “Well, please let me have $250,000 now”, she requested. The teller did so quickly, then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her elderly client.

The old lady put the $500 into her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $249,500 back into her account.

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Don’t be difficult to old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills!

Dr. Geezer

Photo Credit: Flickr

An elderly physician, Doctor Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured, get back $1,000.

“Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young:  “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box  22  and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.

“Dr. Young: ‘Aaagh! — This is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.

————–

”Dr. Young, very annoyed, goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.

“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box  22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.

“Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t — that’s Gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.

————

“Dr. Young (now having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

————

Moral of the story —  Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.Remember:  Don’t make old people mad. They don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick them off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

The Incredible Healing Power of Dogs

 

It has once been said that a dog is man’s best friend, and in many ways, they are. People have various kinds of animals for their pets, cats, birds, snakes, lizards, etc., and they use them for comfort, companionship, and security, just to name a few. But for the purpose of this story, I am going to focus on the incredible healing power of dogs.

A dog is not just a friend to another person or family, they are great sources of delight, happiness, and security. There is no better creature in the world that will a smile to a terminally ill person, comfort an individual in times of anxiety and stress, or simply become a fierce, loyal friend to someone in their time of need.

So, with that in mind, sit back and enjoy the following pictures of “man’s best friend.

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Quarantine Reflections

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We all know how much impact the quarantine and all the time that we have spent “locked down” has had on us. Days seem to melt together, and, on occasions, time just seems to slow down.

I came across the following thoughts from a friend of mine. Some of them are funny and some will make you sit back and think. Whatever the case…enjoy.

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I hope they give us two weeks’ notice before sending us back out into the real world.  I think we’ll all need the time to become ourselves again.  And by “ourselves” I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.

New monthly budget:  Gas: $0, Entertainment: $0, Clothes: $0, Groceries: $2,799.

Breaking News:  Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended.  Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.
Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now.  We don’t have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day.  I have been training for this moment my entire life!

When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.

I stepped on my scale this morning.  It said: “Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale.”

Not to brag, but I haven’t been late to anything in over 6 weeks.

It may take a village to raise a child but I swear it is going to take a vineyard to home school one.

I wanted zombies and anarchy.  Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages.
Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.

You know those car commercials where there’s only one vehicle on the road – doesn’t seem so unrealistic these days …

They can open things up next month, I’m staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.

Day 37:  The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.

The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” In other words…”The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

People keep asking: “Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?”  Listen y’all, the churches and casinos are closed.  When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it’s probably pretty serious.

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

Home School Day 1:  I’m trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.

Okay, the schools are closed.  So, do we drop the kids off at the teacher’s house or what?

For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family, or will they relocate us?  Asking for myself …

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs.  We wander around the house looking for food.  We get told “No” if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.

The dumbest thing I’ve ever bought was a 2020 planner …

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only.  A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, “If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there.”

Enjoy your day…You don’t have anything else to do.

Church Ladies with Typewriters

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Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies (and men) with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or announcements.

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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The sermon this morning:  ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

We’re Running Out of Toilet Paper!

 

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We all know the trials and tribulations that we have all experienced during this difficult time of the COVID pandemic. During the time that people were frantically going to stores and buying out certain items…such a toilet paper, I came across the following poem on Poetry 4 Kids. I thought this would be something fun to share! Enjoy!

We’re Running Out of Toilet Paper

We’re running out of toilet paper.
Paper towels too.
We haven’t got much Kleenex left.
I’m not sure what we’ll do.

We tried to buy some yesterday.
We went to every shop,
but all the shelves were barren
from the bottom to the top.

We called our friends to see
if they had extra we could borrow,
but they said they have just enough
to last until tomorrow.

Our roll is almost empty now.
A solitary square
is hanging on the holder and
it’s way too small to share.

I hope we find some paper soon
or other kinds of wipers.
If not, I’m told I’ll have to use
my baby brother’s diapers.

— Kenn Nesbitt

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