Category Archives: Hilarious

It’s All About Perspective

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Photo by Vlad Chețan from Pexels

I love finding little stories that make me feel good and smile to myself. Today’s story fits that category. I hope that you find this humorous little tale as enjoyable as I did 🙂

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told that no one was in the area to help. They said that they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up.

A minute later, I called the police again. “Hello,” I said, “I called a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to worry now because I shot them.”

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said, “I thought you said that you shot them.”

To which I replied, “I thought you said there was no one available.”

~ TONY GLADSTONE

It’s Time For Some Good Giggles!

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Photo credit: Caroline Hernandez via Unsplash

The times that we are presently living seem to be more dark and pessimistic with each passing day. It is easy for us to focus and dwell on the negative events that seem to be happening all around us this past year or so…COVID, masks, the unrest in Washington D.C., etc.

One of the beautiful things about life, is that we can discover ways to alleviate this sense of doom by exercising, going outside and enjoy nature via hikes, walks, runs, and biking. Other people meditate, practice yoga, tai chi, and a host of other methods or techniques to control and manage their anxiety.

Laughter and comedy has also been a tremendous outlet for people when navigating the storms of life.

The focus of my blog today, is to do just that…to give people some giggles, smiles, or laughter that (hopefully) will help brighten your day…at least for a short time.

So, without further ado, here are a few statements that I am sure will bring a sense of merriment and joy to your soul 🙂

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12. What do you call a deer with one eye? No eye deer (no idea(r))

13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good…) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

Dr. Geezer

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Photo Credit: Flickr

An elderly physician, Doctor Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured, get back $1,000.

“Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young:  “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box  22  and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.

“Dr. Young: ‘Aaagh! — This is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.

————–

”Dr. Young, very annoyed, goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.

“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box  22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.

“Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t — that’s Gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.

————

“Dr. Young (now having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

————

Moral of the story —  Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.Remember:  Don’t make old people mad. They don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick them off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

Laughs for A Saturday Night

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Photo credit: Helena Lopes via Pexels

It is the end of another busy work week. There is no better time than now to reward yourself with some chuckles and giggles to bring joy to your soul.

Enjoy!

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Twinkle, Twinkle Little star,

Point me to the nearest bar.

 

I picked up a hitchhiker. Seemed like a nice guy.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn’t afraid that he might be a serial killer?

I told him that the odds of two serial killers in the same car were extremely unlikely.

 

It has been a bit of a strange day! First, I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar…

 

“Lead me not into temptation” …Oh who am I kidding? Follow me…I know a shortcut.

 

My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, give me a break…EAT A SALAD!

 

I asked my wife if I was the one that she had been with. She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens…

 

PUBS. The official sunblock of Ireland!

 

I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test…same thing.

 

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.

 

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons…they forgot to mention morons.

 

Getting older is just one body part after another saying, “Ha! Ha! Ha! You think that’s bad? Watch this.”

 

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So, I took her to Subway…and that’s how the fight started.

 

Patience is a virtue. It’s just not one of my virtues.

 

Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) …I can’t see you anymore…I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!

Trainer: It was a sit up… you did ONE sit up!

 

Therapist: Your wife says that you never buy her flowers…is that true?

Him: To be honest, I never knew that she sold flowers.

 

Sex After Surgery

A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, has sued St. Paul’s Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:

“Mrs. Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.”

 

I may be wrong, but I doubt it.

 

9 out of 10 husbands agree that their husbands are always right. The 10th one mysteriously disappeared and hasn’t been heard from since.

 

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I hope that some of these quips brought a smile to your face. Have a WONDERFUL day!!

Church Ladies with Typewriters

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Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies (and men) with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or announcements.

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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The sermon this morning:  ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

Things Aren’t Always As They Appear

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Photo by Sourav Mishra on Pexels.com

Are you having a lousy day and need something to make you smile? Then today’s little story is just for you!

Enjoy!

A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane …
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.

A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, ‘Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’

The blind lady replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.’

Now Picture This:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered.

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Apparently, a True story…

Have a great day and remember…

…THINGS AREN’T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

The Wonderful World of Albert Einstein

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Photo Credit: DonkeyHotey

Albert Einstein, the legendary German physicist is a person that has always fascinated me. This genius who developed the theory of relativity and E=MC2, loved his music, had a remarkable sense of humor, and, surprisingly, valued money very little.

So, I have decided to share with you, a few interesting short stories about him that I think that you will find not only fascinating but also entertaining. They will also give you a little insight and appreciation for one of the smartest men the world has ever known.

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Albert Einstein used to have a personal driver that drove him to each one of his lectures. During his speeches, his chauffer would sit at the back of the hall and listen to Einstein’s words of wisdom. After a period of time, the driver remarked to the famous researcher that he could probably give the lecture himself because he had heard it so many times.

At the next lecture stop, Einstein and the driver switched places…with Einstein sitting at the back of the room, dressed in the driver’s uniform. The driver gave the lecture flawlessly..

At the end of the lecture, a member of the audience asked a detailed scientific question about some kind of scientific matter. Without missing a beat, the “lecturer” replied, Well, the answer to that question is so simple, I’ll let my driver, sitting at the back there, answer it.”

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When Albert Einstein was in residence at the Institute for Advanced Studies at Princeton during his later years, a guest asked him if Einstein would show him his laboratory.

The famous scientist and mathematician smiled, held up his fountain pen and pointed to his head!

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Money meant very little to the legend, Albert Einstein. When he first joined the Princeton Institute for Advanced Study, he requested a salary so low, officials had to double it to preserve some semblance of institute standards.

He once used a $1,500 check from the Rockefeller Foundation as a bookmark…then lost the book! The foundation’s records were out of kilter for months. When they finally sent a duplicate check, Einstein wrote back, “What’s this for?”

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Einstein, who thought himself as an accomplished violinist, was rehearsing a Haydn composition with a string quartet.

When Einstein failed for the fourth time to get his entry in the second movement, the group’s cellist looked up and somewhat annoyed and said, “The problem with you, Albert, is that you can’t count.”

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Einstein was once asked by the press for an explanation of his theory of relativity which would be meaningful to the common, everyday lay person. The scientist then gave a statement to his secretary which read, “An hour sitting with a pretty girl on a park bench passes like a minute, but a minute sitting on a hot stove seems like an hour.”

Children Say the Funniest Things (Part 2)

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Photo Credit: WoodleyWonderWorks via CC Flickr

Welcome to the second installment of “Children Say the Funniest Things.” As I stated in my previous installment, “Children Say the Funniest Things Part One,” I am a Physical Education teacher and have taught children on all levels…from Kindergarten to college. It has always ben one of my favorite things about teaching and fatherhood to listen to what kids say in certain situations or give their answers to…what we as adults think…simple questions.

So, sit back, relax, grab a cup of your favorite beverage and maybe a snack…and get ready to enjoy a giggle, a chuckle, or a good laugh.

A four year old girl was drinking a cup of cold orange juice when she suddenly got the hiccups. “Don’t give me this juice again,” she said. “It makes my teeth cough.”

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A second-grade city school teacher decided to take her class on a trip to a farm. When they returned to school at the end of the day, she asked the children: “What were some of the sounds that you heard on your trip to the farm today?”

“Mooooo”

“Meow!!”

“Quack! Quack!”

“Baaaa!”

“Hey! Get off my tractor!!!”

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Five-year-old, Deana, asked her Granny how old she was. Her grandmother said that she was so old that she had forgotten her age.

“Well, then, Granny you have to look on the back of your underpants. Mine says five to six.”

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A nine-year-old daughter walked into her mother’s bedroom as she was getting ready for work.

“What are you doing?,” she asked.

“Putting on my wrinkle cream,” the mother answered.

“Oh,” she said, walking away. “I thought that they were natural.”

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Edith was a five-year-old and she had an earache. She knew where to find the painkillers but she couldn’t open the bottle. She brought the bottle to her mother, who explained that it was a childproof bottle that only adult could open. Eyes wide open with wonder, Edith said, “but how does it know it’s ME?”

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The mother of a three-year-old was surprised to hear him say, “yes, sir,” to her. She explained the “sir” was for men and “ma’ma” for women.

So, what would you say to Daddy?”

“Wes, sir.”

“Very good. And to Mama?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“ And to grandma?”

The little boy’s face lit up as he replied, “Can I have a cookie?”

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A six-year-old girl, Angela, returned home from school and told her mom that they had their first family planning lesson that day. Wondering what it could be about, her mother asks, “How did it go?”

“I was so ashamed!” said the little girl.

“Billy from across the street said that the stork brings babies.” Nancy, our next door neighbor, said that you can buy babies from the orphanage. Johnny said that his little sister was bought in a hospital.”

Laughing and giggling a little bit, her mom said, “But that’s no reason to be ashamed!”

“No, but I couldn’t tell them that we were so poor that you and Daddy had to make me yourselves!”

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A teacher gave her second grade class a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day, in a written test, she included the question, “My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up tings. What am I?”

When the test papers were turned in, almost half of the students answered the question with the word…”Mother.”

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is a bride dressed in white?”

“Because it is the color of happiness,” explained her mother. “And today is the happiest day of her life!”

The child thought of it for a moment, then asked, “Why is the groom wearing black then?”

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Teacher: “How old is your father?”

Kid: “He is 6 years old.”

Teacher: “What? How is that possible?”

Kid: “He became a father only when I was born

**Logic: Children are quick and always speak their minds 🙂

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Teacher: “Maria, go to the map and find North America.”

Maria: “Here it is.”

Teacher: “Correct. Now class, who discovered America?”

Class: “Maria!”

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Teacher: “How do you spell ‘crocodile’?”

Tommy: “K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L”

Teacher: “No, that’s wrong.”

Tommy: Maybe it is wrong…but you asked me how I spell it.”

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Teacher: “What is the chemical formula for water?”

Kevin: “H I J K L M N O.”

Teacher: “What are you talking about?”

Kevin: “Yesterday you said it was H to O>”

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Teacher: “Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?”

Clyde: “No sir. It’s the same dog.”

(I love this kid! I want to adopt him 🙂

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Last but not least….

Teacher: “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”

Franklin: “A Teacher.”

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I hope that you enjoyed these short stories. Look for the 3rd installment of  “Children Say the Funniest Things” sometime in the future.

If you have a funny story to share, please feel free to do so!!

Have a WONDERFUL day!

The Amusing Side of Aviation

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simon_seesI enjoy hearing funny conversations that go on between people during their everyday lives. Today, I am posting some of the hilarious statements that were made between airport control towers and airline pilots. I found these on the great web sites, tickld.com and freemaninstitute.com. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

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Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f-ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f-ing bored, not f-ing stupid!”
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O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”
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Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”
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While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
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Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Here are some humorous tips on the subject of aviation:
* Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back they get smaller. (unless you keep pulling the stick back — then they get bigger again)

* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

* It’s best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

* Every one already knows the definition of a “good landing” is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a “great landing.” It’s one after which you can use the airplane another time.

* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

* Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down — all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can’t really fly — they’re just so ugly
that the earth immediately repels them.

* Trust your captain . . . . but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

* A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

* Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw.

* It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The 89 Year Old Thief

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89 Year Old Thief

The Hilarious Quips of Children

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Photo Credit: Wikimedia

I love children. I have been a Physical Education teacher for 30 years and throughout that time, I have heard many, many funny things. So, today, I am going to share some of those innocent but amusing things that children say…not only to me, but to others as well.

During a recess that I was supervising one day, a little third grade girl came up to me and asked, “What do yo want to be when you grow up?”

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Grandma: “LJ (little James), you did a great job staying in bed at grandma’s house last night.”

LJ: “Well, I did get up one time, grandma.”

Grandma: “Really?”

LJ: Yes, because I picked a booger with my finger and I needed my flashlight so nI cold look at it.”

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A seven-year-old says, “I am not an oxymoron!”

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A 6-year-old watched his dad tap the walls searching for support beams to hang his pictures. “Daddy, there is no one in there.”

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Told to make up her mind, a little girl asks, “How do you put makeup on your mind?”

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A 7-year-old boy to his 3-year-old sister: “Tell me when you are asleep, okay?”

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“How is that  going to work?” asks a new kindergartner, upon being told to hold up two fingers if he had to go to the bathroom.

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A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s computer. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she said. “I can’t read.”

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One day day a little girl was standing next to me and stroking my eyebrow with her finger. When I asked what she was doing she said, “I’m your eyebrow petter.”

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One day, after one of my Physical Education classes, the entire class got into a line behind a water fountain to get a drink. Suddenly, a little boy came up to me and asked, “Can I go to the nurse?” I asked him, “Nurse? Why? Why do you want to go and see her?” The boy replied, “I don’t know. Billy cut in line in front of me. When I told my friend Bobby that Billy cut me, he told me to go and see the nurse.”

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A 3-year-old after being told that her shoes were on the wrong feet: “Don’t be silly, Mommy. I know they’re my feet.”

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A friend of mine was resting during a family party when her niece came in to check on her. She told her that she didn’t feel well, that she had bad cramps. She then went outside and announced to everyone that “Aunt Kim doesn’t want to come to the party because she has CRABS, really bad ones!”

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A little 4-year-old boy brought over his new puppy to his grandparents house one day. His grandma started scolding her cat because it kept hissing at the puppy. The little boy asked quizzically, “Why are you talking to the cat? They can’t talk!” A few minutes later, the small child started talking to his puppy, his grandma asked him, “Why are yo talking to your dog? They can’t talk?” The little boy replied, “I know grandma, but they are good listeners!”

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A 3-year-old came inside and announced “I peed outside.” He was asked if his underwear was wet and my son proudly replied, “Nope, I peed on Luna. It was like a shower for her.”

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One day a 4-year-old was upstairs and yelled, “ouch!” When he asked what happened he yelled down to me, “I stubbed my toe! The one that ate roast beef!”.

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After getting in trouble for something a little boy said, “I’m only 5—I don’t know all the rules yet!”

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Grandma: “Levi, if you were making a sandwich, what wold you pt on it?”

Levi: “Meat, cheese and ketchup…on a bun.”

Grandma: “Wold you call that a ‘Levi Sandwich’?”

Levi: No, you silly, I call it a cheeseburger!”

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If you have any funny things that children have said to you, please feel free to share them, I might use them in a future post! Have a WONDERFUL day!!

 

A Tale From A Deathbed

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Photo Credit: Jon Dawson via CC Flickr

Every once in a while, I come across a story that touches my heart, brings a smile to my face and a giggle to my soul. Such is the case with today’s story. 

Doug Smithberger is on his deathbed at Allegheny General Hospital and knows the end is near.

 

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him.

 

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

 

My son, “Bernie, I want you to take all the West End houses.””

My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the Bottoms and up toward Neville Island.””

 

My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices and apartments over in Neville Island and Coraopilis.”

 

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river between McKees Rocks and Coraopolis and up the valley toward the airport.”

 

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,

“Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

 

Sarah replies, “Property ? …. the jerk had a paper route!”

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! I hope this brought a smile to your face and made your day a little brighter! Love life and smile often.