Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionallycomplete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no. I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
No nursing home for me. I’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for nursing home care being approximately $275.00 per day, there is a better way to go when we get old and feeble.
I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it is $79.00 per night. Breakfast included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves $196.00 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.
There is another big plus…they hotel also provides a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer dryer, etc. Most hotels have free toothpaste and razors, and all of them have free soap and shampoo.
If you give $10 worth of tips a day, you will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They will treat you like a customer…not a patient.
There is a city bus stop out front and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus to the airport and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you are at the airport, fly somewhere…otherwise, the cash will keep building up.
It takes months and months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today…and you are not stuck in one place forever. You can move from Inn to Inn, or even city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a new mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and a daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they call an ambulance…or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from your family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini vacation and the grandkids can use the pool!
What more could I ask for?
So, when I reach that golden age…I will face it with a grin!!
The times that we are presently living seem to be more dark and pessimistic with each passing day. It is easy for us to focus and dwell on the negative events that seem to be happening all around us this past year or so…COVID, masks, the unrest in Washington D.C., etc.
One of the beautiful things about life, is that we can discover ways to alleviate this sense of doom by exercising, going outside and enjoy nature via hikes, walks, runs, and biking. Other people meditate, practice yoga, tai chi, and a host of other methods or techniques to control and manage their anxiety.
Laughter and comedy has also been a tremendous outlet for people when navigating the storms of life.
The focus of my blog today, is to do just that…to give people some giggles, smiles, or laughter that (hopefully) will help brighten your day…at least for a short time.
So, without further ado, here are a few statements that I am sure will bring a sense of merriment and joy to your soul 🙂
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
12. What do you call a deer with one eye? No eye deer (no idea(r))
13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
18. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good…) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
An elderly physician, Doctor Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured, get back $1,000.
“Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.
“Dr. Young: ‘Aaagh! — This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.
————–
”Dr. Young, very annoyed, goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.
“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.
“Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t — that’s Gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.
————
“Dr. Young (now having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
————
Moral of the story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.Remember: Don’t make old people mad. They don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick them off.
It is the end of another busy work week. There is no better time than now to reward yourself with some chuckles and giggles to bring joy to your soul.
Enjoy!
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Twinkle, Twinkle Little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
I picked up a hitchhiker. Seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn’t afraid that he might be a serial killer?
I told him that the odds of two serial killers in the same car were extremely unlikely.
It has been a bit of a strange day! First, I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar…
“Lead me not into temptation” …Oh who am I kidding? Follow me…I know a shortcut.
My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, give me a break…EAT A SALAD!
I asked my wife if I was the one that she had been with. She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens…
PUBS. The official sunblock of Ireland!
I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test…same thing.
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons…they forgot to mention morons.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying, “Ha! Ha! Ha! You think that’s bad? Watch this.”
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So, I took her to Subway…and that’s how the fight started.
Patience is a virtue. It’s just not one of my virtues.
Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) …I can’t see you anymore…I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!
Trainer: It was a sit up… you did ONE sit up!
Therapist: Your wife says that you never buy her flowers…is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew that she sold flowers.
Sex After Surgery
A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, has sued St. Paul’s Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied:
“Mrs. Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.”
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their husbands are always right. The 10th one mysteriously disappeared and hasn’t been heard from since.
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I hope that some of these quips brought a smile to your face. Have a WONDERFUL day!!
Everyone needs a laugh, a giggle, a chuckle, or a smile every day. If you are having a bad day, discouraged by the worldwide pandemic, or simply experiencing a time of gloom…then I have just the medicine for you…laughs and giggles…and plenty of them!
I hope that the following cartoons and quips will help brighten your day, bring a smile to your face and a song to your heart.
As the worldwide quarantine continues, so does the boredom and monotony of staying indoors and being confined in limited areas.
Well, good news!! It’s time for a good giggle, smile, or laugh! The following pictures / quotes are a collection of humorous images that I accumulated from around the web and friends of mine.
It is my hope that the following photos will bring a smile to your face and a song to your heart.
We all know the trials and tribulations that we have all experienced during this difficult time of the COVID pandemic. During the time that people were frantically going to stores and buying out certain items…such a toilet paper, I came across the following poem on Poetry 4 Kids. I thought this would be something fun to share! Enjoy!
We’re Running Out of Toilet Paper
We’re running out of toilet paper.
Paper towels too.
We haven’t got much Kleenex left.
I’m not sure what we’ll do.
We tried to buy some yesterday.
We went to every shop,
but all the shelves were barren
from the bottom to the top.
We called our friends to see
if they had extra we could borrow,
but they said they have just enough
to last until tomorrow.
Our roll is almost empty now.
A solitary square
is hanging on the holder and
it’s way too small to share.
I hope we find some paper soon
or other kinds of wipers.
If not, I’m told I’ll have to use
my baby brother’s diapers.
If you are tired and bored of staying inside these past few weeks and you are feeling cloud of gloom and misery over your head…then this post is just for you! There is nothing better than a good giggle to lighten your day!
So, here we go!
Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He’s at the pearly gates met by Saint Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and as Forest approaches the gatekeeper, Saint Peter says, “Well Forest, it’s certainly good to see you. We heard a lot about you! I must tell you though, that the place is filling up fast and we’ve been administering an interesting examination for everyone who wants to come in. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into heaven.”
Forrest responds, “Sure is good to be here Saint Peter Sir, but nobody ever told me about any interest exam. I sure hope the test isn’t too hard, life was a big enough test.” Saint Peter goes on, “Yes, I know Forrest, but the test has only three questions.
First what two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second how many seconds are there in a year third?
Lastly, what is God’s first name?”
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees Saint Peter who waves him up and says, “Now that you’ve had a chance to think the questions over, what are your answers?” Forrest says, “Well, the first one, which two days in the week began with the letter T? Shucks, that was easy…that be today and tomorrow
The Saints’ eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forest, that’s not what I was thinking but you do have a point and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer.”
“How about the next one?” asks Saint Peter. “How many seconds are there in a year?” “Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “But I thought and thought about that and I guess the only answer can be 12.” Confounded, Saint Peters says, “12? 12!? Forrest, how in heaven’s name could you come up with 12 seconds in a year?” Forrest says, “Shucks, there’s gotta be 12: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,” “Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter, “I see where you’re going with this and I see your point…though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind…but I’ll give you credit for that one too.
Let’s go on with the 3rd and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?” “Sure” Forrest replied, “it’s Andy.” “Andy?!” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated Saint Peter…OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers for my first two questions but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?” “Shucks that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied, “I learned it from the song…ANDY he walks with me, ANDY he talks with me, ANDY he tells me I am his own.”
Saint Peter opened the pearly gates and said, “Run Forrest run!”
If you have a good, clean joke that you would like to share for a future post here, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE IT/THEM!
I will not only post your joke…but GIVE YOUR BLOG PAGE A SHOUT-OUT AS WELL!
The following little ditty might make you scratch your head but also might bring a smile to your face.
This is a story about four people named: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
People are always wondering to themselves what they can or can’t eat. They are worried about their weight and are constantly looking for the “perfect diet” that will help them shed those dastardly extra pounds. People ask themselves, “Should I eat just vegetables? What about starting a
diet? Atkins diet? The Zone Diet or the Vegan diet? Maybe I should just eat fish?” The list and controversy can seem endless..you can feel like you are on the Gerbil Wheel of your diet life…going around and around in circles and getting nowhere.
Well, I have some things that may help make your decisions about the right or wrong kinds of food to eat a little easier…and more simplified. So, without further hesitation, here is some “food for thought”…
You can’t eat pork…you might get the Swine Flu
You can’t eat chicken…you might get the Bird Flu
You can’t eat beef…you might get Mad Cow Disease
You can’e eat eggs…you might get Salmonella
You can’t eat fish…there are heavy metals and poison in their waters
You can’t eat Fruits and Vegetables…because of the herbicides and insecticides
Hmmmmm….what CAN you eat?
I believe that leaves Cakes, Chocolate, and Ice Cream!!!!
If you are tired and bored of staying inside these past few weeks and you are feeling cloud of gloom and misery over your head…then this post is just for you! There is nothing better than a good giggle to lighten your day!
