The NILE Virus (Type C)

There is a new Mutant Strain appearing across most countries. I thought you would want to know about this virus.

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Even the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee, and others cannot take care of this one. It appears to target those who were born prior to 1960. The sporadic lock down seems to be increasing the chances of being affected!

Virus Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)

3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (That too)

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)

6. Causes you to hit SEND before you’ve finished. (Oh no, not again)

7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that)

8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE. (Heck, now what?)

This virus is called the C-NILE  virus! 

A lot of us have already been inflicted with this disease and unfortunately as we age, it gets worse. And if you can’t admit to doing any of the above, you’ve obviously caught the other strain – the D-NILE virus. Doctors say that lots of naps and a daily dose of Johnnie Walker liquid medicine might help.

I hope you enjoyed te giggles and smile!

No Nursing Home for Me!

Photo Credit: Pexels-Pixabay

No nursing home for me. I’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for nursing home care being approximately $275.00 per day, there is a better way to go when we get old and feeble.

I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.

For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it is $79.00 per night. Breakfast included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.

That leaves $196.00 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.

There is another big plus…they hotel also provides a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer dryer, etc. Most hotels have free toothpaste and razors, and all of them have free soap and shampoo.

If you give $10 worth of tips a day, you will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

They will treat you like a customer…not a patient.

There is a city bus stop out front and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus to the airport and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you are at the airport, fly somewhere…otherwise, the cash will keep building up.

It takes months and months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today…and you are not stuck in one place forever. You can move from Inn to Inn, or even city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a new mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and a daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they call an ambulance…or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from your family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini vacation and the grandkids can use the pool!

What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age…I will face it with a grin!!

~ Author Unknown

It’s Time For Some Good Giggles!

Photo credit: Caroline Hernandez via Unsplash

The times that we are presently living seem to be more dark and pessimistic with each passing day. It is easy for us to focus and dwell on the negative events that seem to be happening all around us this past year or so…COVID, masks, the unrest in Washington D.C., etc.

One of the beautiful things about life, is that we can discover ways to alleviate this sense of doom by exercising, going outside and enjoy nature via hikes, walks, runs, and biking. Other people meditate, practice yoga, tai chi, and a host of other methods or techniques to control and manage their anxiety.

Laughter and comedy has also been a tremendous outlet for people when navigating the storms of life.

The focus of my blog today, is to do just that…to give people some giggles, smiles, or laughter that (hopefully) will help brighten your day…at least for a short time.

So, without further ado, here are a few statements that I am sure will bring a sense of merriment and joy to your soul 🙂

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12. What do you call a deer with one eye? No eye deer (no idea(r))

13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good…) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

The Friday Closer

Photo Credit: Murad Murat via Pexels

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

A Few Silly Jokes to Make You Smile

LaughingEveryone needs a good smile and laugh every day…today is no different. So, today, I decided to list a few “Corny” jokes that, I hope, will help make your day a little brighter and a bit more joyful.

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I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

A grasshopper sits down at the bar. The bartender says ‘hey, I gotta drink named after you.’ The grasshopper says ‘you have a drink named Steve..? ‘

Two drums and a pair of cymbals fall off a cliff…. Budum tssshh!!!

The Stationery Store moved today.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Two lepers playing poker, one threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: ‘that’s a little condescending’

When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking…and then I saw her face.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Two TV antennae meet on a roof – fall in love – get married.  The ceremony was lousy – but the reception was great!

6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t Happy.

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Have a great day! Share a smile with someone today!!

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Photo Credits: Francisco Osorio, cheriejoyful, k4dordy, Boudewijn Berends, Ciaran McGuiggan