The Amusing Side of Aviation

simon_seesI enjoy hearing funny conversations that go on between people during their everyday lives. Today, I am posting some of the hilarious statements that were made between airport control towers and airline pilots. I found these on the great web sites, tickld.com and freemaninstitute.com. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

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Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f-ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f-ing bored, not f-ing stupid!”
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O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”
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Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”
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While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
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Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
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Here are some humorous tips on the subject of aviation:
* Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back they get smaller. (unless you keep pulling the stick back — then they get bigger again)

* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

* It’s best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

* Every one already knows the definition of a “good landing” is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a “great landing.” It’s one after which you can use the airplane another time.

* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

* Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down — all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can’t really fly — they’re just so ugly
that the earth immediately repels them.

* Trust your captain . . . . but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

* A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

* Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw.

* It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

Grandchildren Can Say They Funniest Things!

Photo Credit: Ann Jutatip via CC Flickr
Photo Credit: Ann Jutatip via CC Flickr

I recently came across this hilarious little list on wimp.com that II thought would be something fun to share and enlighten your day. We all know that children are usually very good at telling us “the truth” or “the way it is” in innocent and honest ways. I trust that the following article will bring a smile to your face and a song to your heart as it did mine.


It’s no secret that grandparents love to spoil their grandchildren. While our parents typically mean the world to us, our grandparents usually hold a special place in our hearts. They may seem strange and old fashioned at times, but there is something so honest and sweet about how they appreciate the simple things in life. Nothing ever seems to make them nearly as happy as when they are spending time with family, and they have no greater love than spoiling their grand kids.

A group of eight-year-olds were ask to define what a grandparent is. The brutally-honest answers they gave are nothing short of hilarious.

  • Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people’s.
  • A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!
  • Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
  • When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
  • They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on “cracks.”
  • They don’t say, “Hurry up.”
  • Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
  • They wear glasses and funny underwear.
  • They can take their teeth and gums out.
  • Grandparents don’t have to be smart.
  • They have to answer questions like, “Why isn’t God married?” and “How come dogs chase cats?”
  • When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.
  • Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television, because they are the only grown-ups who like to spend time with us.
  • They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we’ve acted badly.
  • A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. ”Oh,” he said, ”She lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
  • Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

The Wonderful Magic of ICE CREAM!

Photo Credit: Heidi B.W.
Photo Credit: Heidi B.W.

There is simply nothing better in the world than enjoying that cool, sweet, delightful treat…ICE CREAM!! This tasty food has a magic of its own…for it can create the biggest smile on the saddest face, bring happiness to a sour soul and bring out the little kid in all of us. Today’s picture of these two joyful little boys says it all….Ice cream is tasty, ice cream is fun, and you can share it with a buddy anytime you want!! Having a bad day? Have some ICE CREAM and a smile today!

A Guy Walks Into A Bar….

Photo Credit: Bernt Rostad via CC Flickr
Photo Credit: Bernt Rostad via CC Flickr

Everyone enjoys a good laugh or chuckle. Well today’s post promises to do just that. I love corny jokes, puns or other silly quips but some are my favorite are “a guy walks into a bar” jokes. So, sit back, enjoy hen share some of these silly bar jokes…and have a good giggle today!

A man walks into a bar and yells, “OUCH!”

A Horse walks into a bar…the bartender asks, “Hey, what’s with the long face?”

A three-legged cat walks into a bar and says, “I want to find the man that shot my paw.”

A skunk walks into a bar and asks, “Hey, where did everybody go?”

A potato walked into a bar and all eyes were on him.

An E-flat walks into a bar…the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

A bear walks into a bar…the bartender asks, “What will you have?” The bear says, “ a whiskey and…soda.” The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?” “I don’t know” says the bear, “I have always had them.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar…the bartender says, “We have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Harold?”

A group of fonts walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” yells the bartender. We don’t serve your type here.

A blind man walks into a bar…and a chair…and a table.

A man walks into a bar with a tarmac under his armpit. The bartender asks, “What would you like?” The man replies, “A pint of beer for me and one for the road.”

A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Is this some kind of joke?”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

An Irishman walks out of a bar…Hey! It could happen!

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.” And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

Louie Armstrong walks into a bar in Tibet where the high priest is the bartender. Louis says, “Hello, Dahli!”

A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, “Did you go to Harvard?” The bartender says, “Yale.” The North Carolinian says, “DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?”

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here.” and the mushroom says – “Why not? I’m a fungi.”

A pony walks into a bar and coughs, “Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, “What’s with your voice?” The pony says, “Nothing, I’m just a little hoarse.”

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?” The goldfish says, “Water.”

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender sees this and says, “Get out! We can’t serve you here!”. The pirate replies, “Arr, is it because I’ve got a Bounty on me head?”

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Do you want a long neck?” The giraffe says, “Do I have a choice?”

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I hope you had a good laugh of chuckle.

Laugh

Giggle

and Enjoy the day!

A Few Silly Jokes to Make You Smile

LaughingEveryone needs a good smile and laugh every day…today is no different. So, today, I decided to list a few “Corny” jokes that, I hope, will help make your day a little brighter and a bit more joyful.

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I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

A grasshopper sits down at the bar. The bartender says ‘hey, I gotta drink named after you.’ The grasshopper says ‘you have a drink named Steve..? ‘

Two drums and a pair of cymbals fall off a cliff…. Budum tssshh!!!

The Stationery Store moved today.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Two lepers playing poker, one threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: ‘that’s a little condescending’

When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking…and then I saw her face.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Two TV antennae meet on a roof – fall in love – get married.  The ceremony was lousy – but the reception was great!

6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t Happy.

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Have a great day! Share a smile with someone today!!

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Photo Credits: Francisco Osorio, cheriejoyful, k4dordy, Boudewijn Berends, Ciaran McGuiggan