Growing Old

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Ahhh…getting old. We are all getting old and some of us faster than others…ha ha ha! Today’s little blog contains a collection of hilarious little quips/thoughts that I think all of us would enjoy as we continue our journey through this life.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot. 

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out. 

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event. 

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit. 

Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now? 

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web. 

I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither. 

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this. 

I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him. 

I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day. 

Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed. 

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house. 

It’s weird being the same age as old people. 

When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected. 

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter. 

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult. 

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me : To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers. 

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember … Don’t sing! 

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance. 

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet. 

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

The NILE Virus (Type C)

There is a new Mutant Strain appearing across most countries. I thought you would want to know about this virus.

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Even the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee, and others cannot take care of this one. It appears to target those who were born prior to 1960. The sporadic lock down seems to be increasing the chances of being affected!

Virus Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)

3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (That too)

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)

6. Causes you to hit SEND before you’ve finished. (Oh no, not again)

7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that)

8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE. (Heck, now what?)

This virus is called the C-NILE  virus! 

A lot of us have already been inflicted with this disease and unfortunately as we age, it gets worse. And if you can’t admit to doing any of the above, you’ve obviously caught the other strain – the D-NILE virus. Doctors say that lots of naps and a daily dose of Johnnie Walker liquid medicine might help.

I hope you enjoyed te giggles and smile!

A Day for the Dogs

Photo by Valeria Boltneva from Pexels

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionallycomplete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no. I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

No Nursing Home for Me!

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No nursing home for me. I’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for nursing home care being approximately $275.00 per day, there is a better way to go when we get old and feeble.

I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.

For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it is $79.00 per night. Breakfast included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.

That leaves $196.00 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.

There is another big plus…they hotel also provides a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer dryer, etc. Most hotels have free toothpaste and razors, and all of them have free soap and shampoo.

If you give $10 worth of tips a day, you will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

They will treat you like a customer…not a patient.

There is a city bus stop out front and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus to the airport and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you are at the airport, fly somewhere…otherwise, the cash will keep building up.

It takes months and months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today…and you are not stuck in one place forever. You can move from Inn to Inn, or even city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a new mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and a daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they call an ambulance…or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from your family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini vacation and the grandkids can use the pool!

What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age…I will face it with a grin!!

~ Author Unknown

It’s Time For Some Good Giggles!

Photo credit: Caroline Hernandez via Unsplash

The times that we are presently living seem to be more dark and pessimistic with each passing day. It is easy for us to focus and dwell on the negative events that seem to be happening all around us this past year or so…COVID, masks, the unrest in Washington D.C., etc.

One of the beautiful things about life, is that we can discover ways to alleviate this sense of doom by exercising, going outside and enjoy nature via hikes, walks, runs, and biking. Other people meditate, practice yoga, tai chi, and a host of other methods or techniques to control and manage their anxiety.

Laughter and comedy has also been a tremendous outlet for people when navigating the storms of life.

The focus of my blog today, is to do just that…to give people some giggles, smiles, or laughter that (hopefully) will help brighten your day…at least for a short time.

So, without further ado, here are a few statements that I am sure will bring a sense of merriment and joy to your soul 🙂

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12. What do you call a deer with one eye? No eye deer (no idea(r))

13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good…) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

Getting Older

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It is funny how a person’s outlook on life changes as they get older….

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers..

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the ‘John’ and renamed it the ‘Jim’. I feel so much better saying “I went to the Jim this morning”.

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

I don’t have grey hair; I have “wisdom highlights” I’m just very wise.

Don’t ever ask me to bend down and touch my toes.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators We haven’t met yet.

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes when I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I’m not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
– I don’t have to go to school or work.
– I have a driver’s license and my own car.
– I get an allowance every month.
– I have my own ipad (although I can’t recall where I kept it)
– I don’t have a curfew.

Life is great.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
Now, I’m wondering…did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

Have a good chuckle.

Laughter is Good Medicine!

Thanksgiving Humor

We all know that Thanksgiving 2020 is going to be one of the most unique Thanksgivings that we have ever experienced. Millions of people will not be able to celebrate with family members, relatives, friends, and loved ones.

Despite these difficult times, I decided to bring some cheer and merriment to you. I have collected several humorous Thanksgiving cartoons that will hopefully bring a smile to your face, a giggle to your heart, and make your Thanksgiving a little happier.

It is so important to remember, being thankful and giving thanks is more than a one day event…it should be something that we do EVERY DAY. If we truly give thanks each and every day, we will soon find that we will enjoy the true meaning Thanksgiving in our everyday lives

Enjoy the cartoons!

The Friday Closer

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

Dr. Geezer

Photo Credit: Flickr

An elderly physician, Doctor Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured, get back $1,000.

“Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young:  “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box  22  and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.

“Dr. Young: ‘Aaagh! — This is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.

————–

”Dr. Young, very annoyed, goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.

“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box  22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.

“Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t — that’s Gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.

————

“Dr. Young (now having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

————

Moral of the story —  Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.Remember:  Don’t make old people mad. They don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick them off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

Laughter Truly is…The Best Medicine

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Photo Credit: Jessica Wilson via Unsplash

Everyone needs a laugh, a giggle, a chuckle, or a smile every day. If you are having a bad day, discouraged by the worldwide pandemic, or simply experiencing a time of gloom…then I have just the medicine for you…laughs and giggles…and plenty of them!

I hope that the following cartoons and quips will help brighten your day, bring a smile to your face and a song to your heart.

Enjoy!

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I hope you enjoyed them!

Good news…there will be another addition SOON!

Quarantine Smiles

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Photo Credit: Etty Fidele via Unsplash

As the worldwide quarantine continues, so does the boredom and monotony of staying indoors and being confined in limited areas.

Well, good news!! It’s time for a good giggle, smile, or laugh! The following pictures / quotes are a collection of humorous images that I accumulated from around the web and friends of mine.

It is my hope that the following photos will bring a smile to your face and a song to your heart.

Enjoy!

Batman After QBush MaskAliensClosedAirlineButtonsDog LoungingFluffyFloor MatEasterFarmersGrandpa WindowKnock KnockLoch NessLogScaleRacecarQuarantine day 11OlderMissing 2020Social Distancing Choice

Robin Williams

Robin Williams

Safe SaxTP RollWeddingsToiletTired Dog

Church Ladies with Typewriters

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Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies (and men) with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or announcements.

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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The sermon this morning:  ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’