Great Exercises for People Over 50

bodybuilding close up dumbbells equipment
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We all know the importance of daily exercise and all the benefits that it can bring. For people who are over 50 years of age, like me, the following exercise regimen might be one that you may find attainable!

—————

Stand on a comfortable surface.

With a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms out horizontally and hold that position for one minute, then relax.

Each day you will find that you can hold this position a little longer.

After two weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks.

After one month, try 60-pound potato sacks.

Eventually, you will be able to lift 100-pound sacks in each hand, holding your arms out for one minute.

After you feel confident at this level…put a potato in each sack!!


I hope you enjoy your workout,,, and the giggle!

Have a wonderful day!

Family Problems and the Theory of Relativity

beach blue sky chairs decor
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Everyone comes from a family and it goes without saying that problems and negative situations will occasionally show their ugly heads. But the one thing that some just can’t seem to figure out is the family and relative terminology such as who is their second or third cousin, great uncle, etc. Stuff like this can drive us crazy. They can really create turmoil and misunderstanding.

But…

If you think your family has problems figuring this stuff out, consider the marriage mayhem created when 76-year-old Bill Baker of London recently wed Edna Harvey. She happened to be his granddaughter’s husband’s mother. That’s where the confusion began, according to Baker’s granddaughter, Lynn.

“My mother-in-law is now my step-grandmother. My grandfather is now my stepfather-in-law. My mom is my sister-in-law and my brother is my nephew. But even crazier is that I’m now married to my uncle and my own children are my cousins.”

From this experience, Lynn should gain profound insight into the Theory of Relativity.

~ Campus Life, March, 1981, p. 31

Life

Laugh

Love

Get the Point?

close up photography of a hand pointing
Photo by Artem Bali on Pexels.com

Sometimes, in each of our lives, we fall into a state of boredom, lethargy, or become tired of the same mundane happenings of our everyday lives. It is always a comforting feeling knowing that we can have friends around us that will encourage us and give us the “wake-up call” when we need it.

The following short story will demonstrate why we should always stay awake and pay attention to things going on around us…otherwise, you might get a “wake-up call” …hopefully, not in the same way as the star in this story 😊

———————-

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School and she usually slept through her classes.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called her while she was sleeping.

“Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the earth?”

When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed it in her rear end.

“God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, “Very good” and then continues teaching her class.

A little while later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, “who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. “Jesus Christ!!!” shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

Soon thereafter, the Nun asked her a third question…”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, “if you stick that thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”

 

So, stay awake, be alert, and remain vigilant in all that you do…get the point?

The Entertaining Wisdom of a Child

adorable blur bookcase books
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You have to love how children can be so blunt and truthful. It can sometimes be amusing (or quite embarrassing) when a child blurts out an answer that most people didn’t anticipate. Such is the case for today’s short story. I am sure that the wisdom of this little darling will bring a smile to your face!

In a grade school lesson, a teacher was explaining a little bit about whales.

A little girl in class piped up and said: “I just learned that Jonah in the bible was swallowed by a whale.”

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was relatively small.

The girl said: “I am sure Jonah was swallowed by a whale.”

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; that it was physically impossible.

The little girl replied: “My Sunday school teacher told me Jonah was swallowed and she would not lie to me.”

A bit perturbed by this, the teacher proclaimed: “That is a “story” from the bible, it is not factual, and I will not argue with you.”

After a little thought, the girl responded: “Well, when I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah”.

Now challenged, the teacher spouted: “What if Jonah didn’t go to heaven?”

Not at all daunted, the girl quipped,  . . . “ok then you ask him.”  ~ Author Unknown ~

– – “Out of the mouth of babes . . . “

 

What I Learned From the Easter Bunny

bunny cute ears easter bunny
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Throughout my life, I have been blessed to listen to many inspiring, motivational, and heartwarming speakers. I have met a lot of famous people and rubbed elbows with the “rich and famous.” But of all the people that I have ever met and listened to, none of them were more inspirational than one of the most well-known entities of all-time…that’s right…the Easter Bunny,

It is my hope that these great words of wisdom will touch your heart as much as they do mine 🙂
——————-
What I learned from the Easter Bunny……

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There’s no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off of other people’s jelly beans.

Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.

The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket.

To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

May the joy of the season fill your heart.
———–
Remember: “A true friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg 
even though they know you are slightly cracked.” 🙂

Kids Can Say the Funniest Things!

adorable baby child cute
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Ah! The innocence of youth, If you ever want to hear “the truth” or “honest opinion” from someone…just ask a kid. On the other hand, children can be mysterious. You never know what precious “words of wisdom” may come out of their mouths and many times, you can’t keep yourself from smiling, giggling, or down-right laughing.

I recently asked a few of my friends to share with me some funny stories about some of the things that their young children have said or done. It is my great pleasure to share with you some of these stories from my dear friends Crystal, Mimi, Caroline, Heidi, Sabrina, and a few others selected from around the web. So, without further ado, sit back read on, and get ready for some stories that will be certain to put a smile on your face and some warmth in your soul!

———————–

Lulu: “What is a paparazzi?”

Mom: “People who take pictures of famous celebrities.”

Lulu: “What’s a celebrity?”

Mom: “Someone who everyone knows.”

Lulu: “Like Taylor Swift or God?”

———————–

Levi: “Can I please have another cookie?”

Gigi: “No, but I have something more important to tell you…”

Levi: There is nothing more important than cookies!”

———————–

Dylan: “My shoes are tired.” (instead of, “My feet hurt or I’m tired.”)

———————–

“When it thunders, my son always says, “God must be really hungry!” (As if he is saying that the sky/heaven is God’s belly)

———————–

A men’s boxer brief commercial was advertising on the TV when Crystal’s little girl explained to her how the “extra room” zone was actually just a kangaroo pouch!

———————–

The other day, Sabrina and her little boy were down by the sea looking at a lighthouse when he suddenly, ” blurted out, “holy ship!” He looked at his mom in awe and said, “whooooo Baby!  Holy ship mama…” People who were standing around them turned and started laughing. Sabrina informed everyone, “He said SHIP! I swear!” The world will never know…

———————–

A little while ago, Eddie brought his daughter to the doctor’s office for one of his visits. She kept asking her dad if things hurt him. “Are your ears OK? Does your throat hurt? Do you have a belly ache?” Then, the loudest question of all…one that made everyone look up and stare at Eddie…” Daddy! Does your hiney hole hurt?”

———————–

Gigi: “You did a good job staying in your bed at Gigi’s last night.”

Levi: Well, I did get up one time, Gigi.”

Gigi: “Really?”

Levi: “Yes, because I picked a booger with my finger and I needed a flashlight so I could look at it.”

SMH, such a boy!

———————–

Crystal walked into her little girl the other day and found her putting on her deodorant. Her daughter said that she had to put her “armpit tickler protector on.” Obviously, it is made to prevent tickle attacks, not excess sweating or smells 😊

———————–

Levi brought over a new puppy the other day when he saw Po (his grandpa) scolding the cat for hissing at him.

Levi: “Po, why are you talking to the cat? Don’t you know that cats can’t talk?”

A few minutes later, when Levi was talking to his puppy…

Po: “Levi, why are you talking to the dog? Don’t you know that dogs can’t talk?”

Levi: “I know Po, but they are good listeners!”

Po: Well, you got me there!”

———————–

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.” “How did you know?” his mother asked. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

———————–

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”

———————–

After dinner, one night, Caroline’s little boy’s tummy made a noise…probably digesting what he just ate…when he says to everyone, “My tummy is saying thank you!”

———————–

Me: Did you know that she has a baby in her belly? (referring to a pregnant co-worker)
Kid: (horrified) You ate your baby?!

———————–

During an elementary recess, a 2nd grader approached her Physical Education teacher who was on Recess Duty…

Lara: “Coach, can I ask you a question?”

Coach: “Yes Lara, what is it?”

Lara: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

———————–

6-Year-Old: “Is kindergarten two years?”

Teacher: “No, just one.”

6-Year-Old: Well, it felt like two!”

———————–

We say that we go to work to pay the bills a lot because now my son, Dylan, thinks that’s what we do for a living says his mom. When he asks, “Where’s daddy?” and I tell him that he’s at work, he responds by saying, “Daddy’s paying the bills.” When I asked him, “what does daddy do at work?” Dylan answered, “Daddy pays the bills.”

Dylan loves picking up his toy toolbox and say he’s going to work. The other day, when he was asked what he was going to do, he said, “I am going to pay the bills and mortgage.” Adorable!

———————–

“Children are our greatest treasure. They are our future.” ~ Nelson Mandela

A Coach Is Always Right…Right?

lights night crowd stadium
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A few days ago, a good friend of mine, Bill, sent me this cute little story, written by John Killinger, that I thought would be something fun to share. Even though it is a funny story, it does demonstrate the unfortunate instances when certain individuals take the fun out of a game because of anger and frustration. Hopefully, it will serve as a motivation to people how NOT to act towards others when things do not work out the way that they desire.

A little while ago, the manager of a minor league baseball team got so frustrated with his center fielder’s performance that he jerked him out of the game and decided to play the position himself. He was determined to show his player how simple it really was to play this position. The first hard-hit ball that came to the manager took a bad hop and smashed into his mouth. A short time later, he had his second chance. The next play was a high fly ball that he lost in the sun—until it smacked him in the forehead. Then, for his last opportunity, a ball that came his way was a hard line-drive that flew between his hands and popped him right in the eye.

Furious, he ran off the field to the dugout, grabbed the center fielder by the shirt and shouted, “You’ve got center field so messed up, even I can’t play it!”

———————-

I hope you enjoyed this story. If you have any kind of motivational, inspirational, or heartwarming short stories, please don’t hesitate to send them to me and I will re-post them and credit you!

LIVE
LAUGH
LOVE

 

 

The Love Chapter: Holiday Edition

Jakob Lawitzki
Photo Credit: Jakob Lawitzki via CC Flickr

One of the best, well-known chapters of the Bible worldwide, is 1 Corinthians 13…otherwise known as “The Love Chapter.” It has been used down through the ages in weddings, vows, ceremonies, and various other events.

Recently, I came across a “Christmas Version” of this popular passage of Scripture from a friend of mine that I thought would be fun to share with you. I hope that you will enjoy it and inspire you to remember the real reason for the season (and hopefully, every day of your life).

1 Corinthians 13 (A Christmas Version)

If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls, but do not show love to my family, I am just another decorator.

If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime, but do not show love to my family, I am just another cook.

If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home and give all that I have to charity, but do not show love to my family, it profits me nothing.

If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crocheted snowflakes, attend a myriad of holiday parties and sing I the choir’s cantata, but do not focus on those that I love the most, I have missed the point.

…In other words,

Love stops the cooking to hug a child

Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the spouse.

Love is kind, though harried and tired.

Love doesn’t envy another’s home that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.

Love doesn’t yell at the kids to get out of the way but is thankful they are there to be in the way.

Love doesn’t give only to those who are able to give in return but rejoices in giving to those who can’t.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.

Video games will break, pearl necklaces will be lost, and golf clubs will rust.

But the gift of love will endure.

————————————-

In case you would like to know what 1 Corinthians 13 says in Scriptures, here it is (the small numbers are the verses in the chapter) …

1 Corinthians 13

1If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body [a]to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,

does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part;

10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.

11 When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

12 For now, we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.

13 But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the [f]greatest of these is love.

The Wonderful World of Albert Einstein

DonkeyHotey
Photo Credit: DonkeyHotey

Albert Einstein, the legendary German physicist is a person that has always fascinated me. This genius who developed the theory of relativity and E=MC2, loved his music, had a remarkable sense of humor, and, surprisingly, valued money very little.

So, I have decided to share with you, a few interesting short stories about him that I think that you will find not only fascinating but also entertaining. They will also give you a little insight and appreciation for one of the smartest men the world has ever known.

————————————-

Albert Einstein used to have a personal driver that drove him to each one of his lectures. During his speeches, his chauffer would sit at the back of the hall and listen to Einstein’s words of wisdom. After a period of time, the driver remarked to the famous researcher that he could probably give the lecture himself because he had heard it so many times.

At the next lecture stop, Einstein and the driver switched places…with Einstein sitting at the back of the room, dressed in the driver’s uniform. The driver gave the lecture flawlessly..

At the end of the lecture, a member of the audience asked a detailed scientific question about some kind of scientific matter. Without missing a beat, the “lecturer” replied, Well, the answer to that question is so simple, I’ll let my driver, sitting at the back there, answer it.”

————————————

When Albert Einstein was in residence at the Institute for Advanced Studies at Princeton during his later years, a guest asked him if Einstein would show him his laboratory.

The famous scientist and mathematician smiled, held up his fountain pen and pointed to his head!

————————————

Money meant very little to the legend, Albert Einstein. When he first joined the Princeton Institute for Advanced Study, he requested a salary so low, officials had to double it to preserve some semblance of institute standards.

He once used a $1,500 check from the Rockefeller Foundation as a bookmark…then lost the book! The foundation’s records were out of kilter for months. When they finally sent a duplicate check, Einstein wrote back, “What’s this for?”

———————————–

Einstein, who thought himself as an accomplished violinist, was rehearsing a Haydn composition with a string quartet.

When Einstein failed for the fourth time to get his entry in the second movement, the group’s cellist looked up and somewhat annoyed and said, “The problem with you, Albert, is that you can’t count.”

———————————–

Einstein was once asked by the press for an explanation of his theory of relativity which would be meaningful to the common, everyday lay person. The scientist then gave a statement to his secretary which read, “An hour sitting with a pretty girl on a park bench passes like a minute, but a minute sitting on a hot stove seems like an hour.”

18 Famous Quotes of Muhammad Ali

Ian Rensley
Photo Credit: Ian Rensley via CC Flickr

America and the world lost a great human being a few days ago at the passing of boxing legend, Muhammad Ali. Ali rose to prominence in the 1960’s and 1970’s when he not only became the world heavyweight boxing champion, but also became a advocate for peace and accepted people of all races, religions, and beliefs…despite proclaiming himself as a Muslim and giving himself over to the nation of Islam.

Ali was a unique sports figure. He not only was one of the top, well-known athletes of his time but he was also known around the world. Unlike many well-known athletes of today, he infused poetry, wisdom, and humor together to spread his message of peace and unity around the globe. His humorous quips are known around the globe.

So, in today’s blog, I decided to list some of Muhammad Ali’s famous quotes for you to ponder, think about, smile, and maybe, in some small way, apply to your everyday life!

——————————–

  1. To be a champion, you must believe that you are the best. If not, pretend you are.
  2. It is lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges.
  3. Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. The hands can’t hit what the eyes can’t see.
  4. It isn’t the mountain ahead of you that will wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.
  5. He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.
  6. It is hard to be humble when you are as great as I am.
  7. Age is whatever you think it is. You are as old as you think you are.
  8. Impossible is not a fact. It is an option.
  9. Inside a ring or out, ain’t nothing wrong with going down. It is staying down that’s wrong.
  10. The man who has no imagination has no wings.
  11. I am the greatest, I knew that before I knew I was.
  12. Don’t count the days; make them count.
  13. Not only do I knock them down, I pick the round.
  14. I should be a postage stamp, that’s the only way I ever get licked.
  15. Last week, I murdered a rock, I injured a stone, hospitalized a brick, I am so mean, I make medicine sick!
  16. A man who views the world the same at 50 as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
  17. I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.
  18. Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn’t matter which color does the hating. It’s just plain wrong.

The Amusing Side of Aviation

simon_seesI enjoy hearing funny conversations that go on between people during their everyday lives. Today, I am posting some of the hilarious statements that were made between airport control towers and airline pilots. I found these on the great web sites, tickld.com and freemaninstitute.com. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

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Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”
*************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f-ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f-ing bored, not f-ing stupid!”
*************************
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
*************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
*************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”
*************************
Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”
*************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”
*************************
While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
*************************
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Here are some humorous tips on the subject of aviation:
* Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back they get smaller. (unless you keep pulling the stick back — then they get bigger again)

* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

* It’s best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

* Every one already knows the definition of a “good landing” is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a “great landing.” It’s one after which you can use the airplane another time.

* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

* Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down — all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can’t really fly — they’re just so ugly
that the earth immediately repels them.

* Trust your captain . . . . but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

* A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

* Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw.

* It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

A Giggle for the Day: STRESS!

galeri12uludagsozlukcom
Photo Credit: galeri12.uludagsozluk.com

Everyone needs a little giggle every once in a while…especially under stressful situations. Some situations can cause a great deal of stress while people…who read about that situation can do nothing more than giggle when they read about the poor soul’s situation.

Such is the case of today’s “Giggle of the Day.”

You pick up a hitchhiker… A beautiful girl.
Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and
you take her to the hospital.
Now that’s stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and
congratulate you that you’re going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed,
The doctor says the test shows you’re infertile,
And probably have been since birth.
You’re extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

Never Assume!

Martin Pettitt
Photo Credit: Martin Pettitt via CC Flickr

In today’s day and age, during the hustle and bustle of life, it is easy for people to criticize and accuse others without stopping, asking questions and discovering the true characteristics of an individual. We all need to take the time to find the truth about people and situations that sometimes cross our paths. Assuming what a person or a situation might be like can sometimes lead to an embarrassing or negative result. Today’s short little story is a great illustration of this thought: Never Assume! 

John was told that a twin-engine plane would be waiting at the airport.

Arriving at the airport he spotted a plane warming up outside the hanger.

He jumped in, said ‘Lets go’.

The pilot taxied and took off.

Once in the air John told the pilot: ‘Fly low over the valley so I can take pictures of the fire on the hill’

Pilot : Why.?

John : Because I’m the photographer for a television show. I need to get some close up shots.

Pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then he stammered ‘So, what You’re telling me is . . . You’re not my flying instructor’?
.
Life is Short. .
.
ALWAYS ASK….NEVER ASSUME.!

The Hilarious Quips of Children

wikimwdia
Photo Credit: Wikimedia

I love children. I have been a Physical Education teacher for 30 years and throughout that time, I have heard many, many funny things. So, today, I am going to share some of those innocent but amusing things that children say…not only to me, but to others as well.

During a recess that I was supervising one day, a little third grade girl came up to me and asked, “What do yo want to be when you grow up?”

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Grandma: “LJ (little James), you did a great job staying in bed at grandma’s house last night.”

LJ: “Well, I did get up one time, grandma.”

Grandma: “Really?”

LJ: Yes, because I picked a booger with my finger and I needed my flashlight so nI cold look at it.”

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A seven-year-old says, “I am not an oxymoron!”

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A 6-year-old watched his dad tap the walls searching for support beams to hang his pictures. “Daddy, there is no one in there.”

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Told to make up her mind, a little girl asks, “How do you put makeup on your mind?”

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A 7-year-old boy to his 3-year-old sister: “Tell me when you are asleep, okay?”

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“How is that  going to work?” asks a new kindergartner, upon being told to hold up two fingers if he had to go to the bathroom.

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A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s computer. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she said. “I can’t read.”

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One day day a little girl was standing next to me and stroking my eyebrow with her finger. When I asked what she was doing she said, “I’m your eyebrow petter.”

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One day, after one of my Physical Education classes, the entire class got into a line behind a water fountain to get a drink. Suddenly, a little boy came up to me and asked, “Can I go to the nurse?” I asked him, “Nurse? Why? Why do you want to go and see her?” The boy replied, “I don’t know. Billy cut in line in front of me. When I told my friend Bobby that Billy cut me, he told me to go and see the nurse.”

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A 3-year-old after being told that her shoes were on the wrong feet: “Don’t be silly, Mommy. I know they’re my feet.”

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A friend of mine was resting during a family party when her niece came in to check on her. She told her that she didn’t feel well, that she had bad cramps. She then went outside and announced to everyone that “Aunt Kim doesn’t want to come to the party because she has CRABS, really bad ones!”

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A little 4-year-old boy brought over his new puppy to his grandparents house one day. His grandma started scolding her cat because it kept hissing at the puppy. The little boy asked quizzically, “Why are you talking to the cat? They can’t talk!” A few minutes later, the small child started talking to his puppy, his grandma asked him, “Why are yo talking to your dog? They can’t talk?” The little boy replied, “I know grandma, but they are good listeners!”

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A 3-year-old came inside and announced “I peed outside.” He was asked if his underwear was wet and my son proudly replied, “Nope, I peed on Luna. It was like a shower for her.”

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One day a 4-year-old was upstairs and yelled, “ouch!” When he asked what happened he yelled down to me, “I stubbed my toe! The one that ate roast beef!”.

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After getting in trouble for something a little boy said, “I’m only 5—I don’t know all the rules yet!”

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Grandma: “Levi, if you were making a sandwich, what wold you pt on it?”

Levi: “Meat, cheese and ketchup…on a bun.”

Grandma: “Wold you call that a ‘Levi Sandwich’?”

Levi: No, you silly, I call it a cheeseburger!”

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If you have any funny things that children have said to you, please feel free to share them, I might use them in a future post! Have a WONDERFUL day!!

 

A Sad Tale: No One Believes Seniors Anymore

 

Elderly in Brighton
Photo Credit: Gary Knight via CC FLickr: Going for a walk down East Street.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Jerry said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …….”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

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I hope this funny little story brought a smile to your face and a giggle to your soul. Now go out and share a smile with someone today!!

 

Children and Their Pets

beautyoverseas
Photo Credit: Beautyoverseas.com

There is nothing more precious and heartwarming than seeing pictures of little children with their pets There is a special relationship between humans and their pets…even more so with kids. So, without further ado, I will post some pictures of these touching relationships thst will certainly bring a song to your soul and a smile to your face.

Enjoy!!

Buzzfeed
Photo Credit: Buzzfeed.com
Elly Prestegaard
Photo Credit: Elly Prestegaard
Julieanneimages via Flickr
Photo Credit: Julieanneimages.com
South Orange Humane Society Flickr
Photo Credit: South Orange Humane Society
Tumblir
Photo Credit: Tumblir
Volodymyr Rozhko
Photo Credit: Volodymyr-Rozhko
Tumblir 2
Photo Credit: Tumblir
Tumblir 3
Photo Credit: Tumblir
youtube
Photo Credit: YouTube
ascabras
Photo Credit: Ascabras

 

I hope you enjoyed these awesome images. 

I will post more pictures in a future post…if there is enough interest to do so!

Have an awesome day!

 

An Ode to Thanksgivng

Mike Licht
Photo Credit: Mike Licht via CC Flickr

Ode to Thanksgiving

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

A Tale From A Deathbed

jon dawson
Photo Credit: Jon Dawson via CC Flickr

Every once in a while, I come across a story that touches my heart, brings a smile to my face and a giggle to my soul. Such is the case with today’s story. 

Doug Smithberger is on his deathbed at Allegheny General Hospital and knows the end is near.

 

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him.

 

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

 

My son, “Bernie, I want you to take all the West End houses.””

My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the Bottoms and up toward Neville Island.””

 

My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices and apartments over in Neville Island and Coraopilis.”

 

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river between McKees Rocks and Coraopolis and up the valley toward the airport.”

 

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,

“Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

 

Sarah replies, “Property ? …. the jerk had a paper route!”

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! I hope this brought a smile to your face and made your day a little brighter! Love life and smile often.

The Hilarious World of Cats!

Photo Credit: Fireflydaily.com
Photo Credit: Fireflydaily.com

I love cats! When I was a kid, we used to have many cats running, sleeping and playing around the house. Both of my parents really enjoyed having the critters around and my grandmother, who lived with us, loved them as one of her own grandchildren.

One of the funniest things I enjoy watching, are cats doing silly, funny, and surprising things. Sometimes, they make me laugh so hard that they make me cry. 

So, what I decided to do today was to share some of these funny gifs with you (gifs are small movies, that last a few seconds). I think that you will find yourself giggling and laughing at the silliness and stupidity of our furry friends.

So, without further ado, let the laughs, snickers, and giggles begin!!

And away we go!
Peek-A-Boo…I see you!
Itsy Bitsy spider…..
“I’m a monster!”
“Has anyone seen Kitty?”
King of the Hill!
“Ok….enough of you Psycho cat!”
Stop Thief!
What the ?????
“Wait….what was that??”
Hit the SNOOZE button
Geronimo!
Houston…we have lift off!
HA! HA! HA!

“Young at Heart”: Pictures That Speak Volumes #66

Photo Credit: Unknown (if you know, please LMK)
Photo Credit: Unknown (if you know, please LMK)

The beautiful thing about life is that some people have neve decided to get old. It is a good thing to remember that it is OK for our bodies to get old but our heart and soul should always be forever young!

Love Life!

“Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks!”

Photo Credit: Canned Muffins via CC Flickr
Photo Credit: Canned Muffins via CC Flickr

Many people today have created a Bucket List. A Bucket List is a register of things that a person would like to do before the die. The list can be anything…ranging from something simple to a desire to accomplish that might be almost impossible to complete.

Such is the case of Ed, husband of his lifelong sweetheart, his wife, Norma….

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would say, ” Norma, I’d like to ride in that helicopter “

Norma always replied, “I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! ”

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, “Norma, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance”

To this, Norma replied, “Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word…

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed! ”

Ed replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Norma fell out, but you know…fifty bucks is fifty bucks! ”

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Hope this comical story made you giggle!! Have a great day!!!

How to Wash A Cat

Photo Credit: Laurence Simon via CC Flickr
Photo Credit: Laurence Simon via CC Flickr

Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl…

  1. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry it towards the bathroom.
  2. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
  3. At this point, the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
  4. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “Power-Wash” and “Rinse”.
  5. Have someone open the front door of your home. For the safety of everyone around, be sure that these are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
  6. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift the lid.
  7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
  8. Good news!! Both the cat and the toilet will be sparkling clean!!

Yours Sincerely,

The Dog

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I hope these directions brought a little smile to your face, a giggle to your heart, and laughter to your soul!!!

If you Need A Smile Today…You Need to Watch This!

Photo Credit: Adina Voici via Pixabay
Photo Credit: Adina Voici via Pixabay

Every once in a while, I come across a video that brings a smile to my face and makes me want to watch it over and over.

We all know that there are special bonds between people and their pets but there seems to be something really beautiful, joyful, and innocent about a toddler and a puppy. What’s makes the video even nicer, is listening to the toddler squeal in delight as his pet plays with him…then gives him a special treat at the end.

If this little video clip doesn’t bring a smile to your face…nothing will!

Today’s video

Grandpa Gets Audited

Photo Credit: GotCredit via CC Flickr
Photo Credit: GotCredit via CC Flickr

Everybody needs a giggle or a chuckle at least once a day…today is no different. I hope that the following little story brings a smile to your face and a little joy to your heart.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a
demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he
could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about
it!’

I keep telling you! Don’t Mess with Old People!!

Some Silly Answers From Some Not-So-Bright Students

Photo Credit: Jirka Matousek via CC Flickr
Photo Credit: Jirka Matousek via CC Flickr

Being a teacher, I enjoy finding articles, lists or pictures and some funny and goofy things that students either say or do. That’s why, when I found the following list of 20 stupid things that students say or ask…I had to share them with you. I hope that they bring a little smile to your face and joy to your life!


1. “Why don’t the terrorist countries have to follow the constitution?”

2. “During WWI why were all of the women slaving away making shells for the war when they could have just gone to the beach and gotten them from there?”

3. “So all 435 representatives live in one house?”

4. Professor: so who can tell me about Pearl Harbor?

Girl: Oh. my. god. I love that movie.

5. “If we have weapons that can blow up the entire world, how come no one has used them?”

6. “If China is ahead of us by like a day, why didn’t they warn us about 9/11?”

7. “Hey do you know what day the professor hands out the textbook?”

8. “Sorry I’m late, would you mind starting over?”

9. Professor: What was the name of the Indian that helped guide Lewis and Clark?

Student: Sohcahtoa?

10. “Rice grows in fields? I thought it was made from chipped potatoes…”

11. “I have a note from my mom can I get an extension?”

12. Professor: You have 90 minutes for this exam.

Student: You told us we have an hour and a half!

13. In class we were discussing the hole in the ozone layer. Some girl blurts out “oh! That is the hole that the space shuttle flies through, right?”

14. We were discussing forest fires that were going on somewhere in the Midwest at the time, and a girl asked “How can the fires keep burning for more than one day? Do they start back up again every morning?”

15. English professor was collecting food and stuff to send to Japan after the tsunami, namely rice.

Girl raised her hand and asked if it was to soak up all the water.

16. Biology Professor: Look at the person sitting next to you. You share 99% of your DNA with them.

Student: Omg! Is that why you did the seating chart this way?

17. “Did Albert Einstein invent electricity? Or did he just discover it?”

18. “If a bear and a deer were the last things on earth, would they mate?”

19. During a lecture on greenhouse effects, a student raised their hand and asked “Why wouldn’t they just stop building greenhouses?!”

20. Freshman bio class, talking about DNA damage via free radicals and how some foods have antioxidants. Obnoxious super tan girl in front row: “So, like, how many blueberries should I eat if I, like, tan twice a week?”


Source: Tickld.com