It’s Time For Some Good Giggles!

Photo credit: Caroline Hernandez via Unsplash

The times that we are presently living seem to be more dark and pessimistic with each passing day. It is easy for us to focus and dwell on the negative events that seem to be happening all around us this past year or so…COVID, masks, the unrest in Washington D.C., etc.

One of the beautiful things about life, is that we can discover ways to alleviate this sense of doom by exercising, going outside and enjoy nature via hikes, walks, runs, and biking. Other people meditate, practice yoga, tai chi, and a host of other methods or techniques to control and manage their anxiety.

Laughter and comedy has also been a tremendous outlet for people when navigating the storms of life.

The focus of my blog today, is to do just that…to give people some giggles, smiles, or laughter that (hopefully) will help brighten your day…at least for a short time.

So, without further ado, here are a few statements that I am sure will bring a sense of merriment and joy to your soul 🙂

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12. What do you call a deer with one eye? No eye deer (no idea(r))

13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good…) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

Dr. Geezer

Photo Credit: Flickr

An elderly physician, Doctor Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured, get back $1,000.

“Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young:  “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box  22  and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.

“Dr. Young: ‘Aaagh! — This is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.

————–

”Dr. Young, very annoyed, goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.

“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box  22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.

“Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t — that’s Gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.

————

“Dr. Young (now having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

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Moral of the story —  Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.Remember:  Don’t make old people mad. They don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick them off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

Laughs for A Saturday Night

pexels-helena-lopes-708440

Photo credit: Helena Lopes via Pexels

It is the end of another busy work week. There is no better time than now to reward yourself with some chuckles and giggles to bring joy to your soul.

Enjoy!

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Twinkle, Twinkle Little star,

Point me to the nearest bar.

 

I picked up a hitchhiker. Seemed like a nice guy.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn’t afraid that he might be a serial killer?

I told him that the odds of two serial killers in the same car were extremely unlikely.

 

It has been a bit of a strange day! First, I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar…

 

“Lead me not into temptation” …Oh who am I kidding? Follow me…I know a shortcut.

 

My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, give me a break…EAT A SALAD!

 

I asked my wife if I was the one that she had been with. She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens…

 

PUBS. The official sunblock of Ireland!

 

I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test…same thing.

 

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.

 

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons…they forgot to mention morons.

 

Getting older is just one body part after another saying, “Ha! Ha! Ha! You think that’s bad? Watch this.”

 

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So, I took her to Subway…and that’s how the fight started.

 

Patience is a virtue. It’s just not one of my virtues.

 

Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) …I can’t see you anymore…I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!

Trainer: It was a sit up… you did ONE sit up!

 

Therapist: Your wife says that you never buy her flowers…is that true?

Him: To be honest, I never knew that she sold flowers.

 

Sex After Surgery

A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, has sued St. Paul’s Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:

“Mrs. Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.”

 

I may be wrong, but I doubt it.

 

9 out of 10 husbands agree that their husbands are always right. The 10th one mysteriously disappeared and hasn’t been heard from since.

 

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I hope that some of these quips brought a smile to your face. Have a WONDERFUL day!!

Church Ladies with Typewriters

david-klein--94oJK3PDQw-unsplash

david-klein–94oJK3PDQw-unsplash

Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies (and men) with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or announcements.

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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The sermon this morning:  ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

Things Aren’t Always As They Appear

people inside commercial air plane

Photo by Sourav Mishra on Pexels.com

Are you having a lousy day and need something to make you smile? Then today’s little story is just for you!

Enjoy!


A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane …
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.

A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, ‘Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’

The blind lady replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.’

Now Picture This:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered.

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Apparently, a True story…

Have a great day and remember…

…THINGS AREN’T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

Things Kids Teach Us About Life

children

Photo Credit: USDA

Most of you who have been following my blog over the years, know that I am a Physical Education/Health teacher and a coach and have loved my job throughout the past 31 years. The one constant during those years have been the joy and excitement that I receive from my students. Their passion, zeal, and enthusiasm about life is contagious. This kind of positive atmosphere usually always uplifts my spirits, enlightens my soul, makes me smile. Every day of school is a new adventure..you never know what is going to happen…what will be said or what will be done by these young people. Usually, the younger they are, the funnier things happen.

So, it should be no surprise, that one of the things that I enjoy posting from time-to-time are some of the silly, hilarious, and downright goofy things that kids do…and sometimes teach us. Such is the case with today’s article. The following is a collection of some of these kinds of things. I hope that these bring a smile to your face and a chuckle to your heart. Hey! You may even learn some things about ceiling fans today as well 🙂


Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. …

Super glue is forever. …

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

DVD players do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. …

You probably do not want to know what that odor is. …

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Orlando, FL has an 8 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. …

A 3 year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. …

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh”, it’s already too late. …

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. …

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape….

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. …

You should not throw baseballs up in the air when the ceiling fan is on. …

When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.


Have an AWESOME Day!

Aspire to Inspire.

The Amusing Side of Aviation

simon_seesI enjoy hearing funny conversations that go on between people during their everyday lives. Today, I am posting some of the hilarious statements that were made between airport control towers and airline pilots. I found these on the great web sites, tickld.com and freemaninstitute.com. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

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Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f-ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f-ing bored, not f-ing stupid!”
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O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”
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Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”
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While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
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Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Here are some humorous tips on the subject of aviation:
* Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back they get smaller. (unless you keep pulling the stick back — then they get bigger again)

* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

* It’s best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

* Every one already knows the definition of a “good landing” is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a “great landing.” It’s one after which you can use the airplane another time.

* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

* Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down — all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can’t really fly — they’re just so ugly
that the earth immediately repels them.

* Trust your captain . . . . but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

* A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

* Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw.

* It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The 89 Year Old Thief

Image

89 Year Old Thief

How I Learned to Mind My Buisness

Photo Credit: Orin Zebest via CC Flickr

Photo Credit: Orin Zebest via CC Flickr

I was walking past a mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting. “13…13…13.”

Well, the fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little hole in the planks, so I decided to look through it and see what was going on.

Suddenly, some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, “14…14…14.”

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What a unique way to learn a lesson!!!

Silly Warning Labels For Stupid People

Photo Credit: Dan Taylor via CC Flickr

Photo Credit: Dan Taylor via CC Flickr

Warning labels are an important part of products that we buy and use. Unfortunately, there are a lot of cases in which companies must think that people are…well…stupid. The following list proves how silly these warning labels can be…

“Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet.” — In the information booklet.

“Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.” — On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

“For external use only!” — On a curling iron.

“Warning: This product can burn eyes.” — On a curling iron.

“Do not use in shower.” — On a hair dryer.

“Do not use while sleeping.” — On a hair dryer.

“Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.” — On a hand-held massaging device.

“Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.” — On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.

“Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.” — On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
“This product not intended for use as a dental drill.” — On an electric rotary tool.

“Caution: Do not spray in eyes.” — On a container of underarm deodorant.

“Do not drive with sunshield in place.” — On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

“Caution: This is not a safety protective device.” — On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.

“Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.” — On an “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter.

“Not intended for highway use.” — On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.

“This product is not to be used in bathrooms.” — On a Holmes bathroom heater.

“May irritate eyes.” — On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

“Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.” — On a novelty rock garden set called “Popcorn Rock.”

“Caution! Contents hot!” — On a Domino’s Pizza box.

“Caution: Hot beverages are hot!” — On a coffee cup.

“Caution: Shoots rubber bands.” — On a product called “Rubber Band Shooter.”

“Warning: May contain small parts.” — On a Frisbee.

“Do not use orally.” — On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

“Please keep out of children.” — On a butcher knife.
“For use by trained personnel only.” — On a can of air freshener.
“Do not use as ear plugs.” — On a package of silly putty.

“Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator.” — On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.

“Warning: knives are sharp!” — On the packaging of a sharpening stone.

“Not for weight control.” — On a pack of Breath Savers.

“Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.” — On the label of a bottled drink.

“Theft of this container is a crime.” — On a milk crate.

“Do not use intimately.” — On a tube of deodorant.

“Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.” — On a box of rat poison.

“Fragile. Do not drop.” — Posted on a Boeing 757.

“Cannot be made non-poisonous.” — On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.

“Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.” — On a portable stroller.

“Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes.” — On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.

“Look before driving.” — On the dash board of a mail truck.

“Do not iron clothes on body.” — On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

“Do not drive car or operate machinery.” — On Boot’s children’s cough medicine.

“For indoor or outdoor use only.” — On a string of Christmas lights.

“Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” — On a child sized Superman costume.

“This door is alarmed from 7:00pm – 7:00am.” — On a hospital’s outside access door.

“Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.” — On a sign at a railroad station.

“Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems.” — On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.

“Product will be hot after heating.” — On a supermarket dessert box.

“Do not turn upside down.” — On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

“Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame.” — On a lighter.

“Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball.” — On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.

“Not for human consumption.” — On a package of dice.

“May be harmful if swallowed.” — On a shipment of hammers.

“Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty.” — A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.

“Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand.” — In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

“Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.” — From a manual for an SGI computer.

“Warning: May contain nuts.” — On a package of peanuts.

“Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

“Do not eat if seal is missing.” — On said seal.

“Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it.”

“Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

“Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

“Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

“Do not use orally after using rectally.” — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

“Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.

“Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.

“Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

“Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.

“For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.

“Do not put lit candles on phone.” — On the instructions for a cordless phone.

“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” — On the packaging for a wristwatch.
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Source and Read more: http://www.cracked.com/funny-1714-stupid-people/#ixzz2xanTDHgZ