Getting Married at 80

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Marriage is sacred. It is a divine and sacrosanct union between two people. If a person is fortunate enough, they will be blessed with having a partner in which they can live with for a lifetime. Unfortunately, some marriages simply don’t work out or, due to misfortune, a spouse passes on. Some of those people may decide to marry again…maybe two or three times.

But four times?

Consider the following humorous story of an 80 year-old lady who decided to get married again for the fourth time!!

A local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few minutes, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, a preacher when she was in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers…

She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

Smiling is good for the heart, laughing is good for the soul, and loving will keep you living, laughing, and loving

It’s All About Perspective

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I love finding little stories that make me feel good and smile to myself. Today’s story fits that category. I hope that you find this humorous little tale as enjoyable as I did 🙂

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told that no one was in the area to help. They said that they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up.

A minute later, I called the police again. “Hello,” I said, “I called a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to worry now because I shot them.”

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said, “I thought you said that you shot them.”

To which I replied, “I thought you said there was no one available.”

~ TONY GLADSTONE

The Friday Closer

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

Don’t Mess with Old People!

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It was beautiful sunny day and an old lady decided to go to her bank. The lady walked inside, up to the counter and handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $2,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady wanted to know why…

The teller returned her bank card and irritable said to her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds then handed her card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “My apologies Ma’am, you have $35 million in your account and our bank doesn’t have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?”

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.

The teller told her any amount up to $250,000. “Well, please let me have $250,000 now”, she requested. The teller did so quickly, then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her elderly client.

The old lady put the $500 into her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $249,500 back into her account.

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Don’t be difficult to old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills!

Dr. Geezer

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An elderly physician, Doctor Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured, get back $1,000.

“Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young:  “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box  22  and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.

“Dr. Young: ‘Aaagh! — This is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.

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”Dr. Young, very annoyed, goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.

“Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box  22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.

“Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t — that’s Gasoline!” Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.

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“Dr. Young (now having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

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Moral of the story —  Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old Geezer.Remember:  Don’t make old people mad. They don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick them off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

The Clever Old Man

katarina-g--51LlTIUaHE-unsplashOne evening, an old farmer decided to to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, to check it out and have a look around.

He had grabbed a five-gallon bucket to gather some fruit and bring it back to his house.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw that it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women award of his presence and they all moved quickly to the deep end.

One woman shouted to him, “We are not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned and said, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding up his bucket, he said, “I am here to feed the alligator.”

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I hope this little story brought a smile to your face today! Go out and share a smile with someone today…I DARE you!  🙂

A Good Time For A Giggle!

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In today’s world, amidst all of the depressing news and the negative climate, I think it is good for a person to have at least one laugh, giggle, or smile every day. So, without further ado…here’s a little story:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping on the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell into a deep, restful sleep after a long day on the trail. Some hours later, Tonto wakes up the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky…what you see?

The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems like we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Tonto?

“You dumber than buffalo…it means someone stole tent.”

 

Teacher Arrested at JFK Airport

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I came across this story a short time ago that I thought would be an interesting thing to share.

A Public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport this morning as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator. At a press conference just before noon today, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. Although he did not identify the man, he confirmed the man has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-Gebra is a problem for us”, the Attorney General said. “They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.” They use secret names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.” The Attorney General went onto say “teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them to solve problems is dangerous and puts our government at risk.

 

There is nothing better than a giggle!

A Nightmare in Norway

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As most of you already know, I enjoy finding inspirational, motivational, heartwarming stories and any other kind of story, picture, etc. that will leave a person giggling, smiling, or feeling good about life. Well, today’s story is no exception. The author is unknown, but the story is a tale about some soldiers who confronted a mob of angry warriors and an eyewitness account of what they experienced…then lived to tell the tale.

Here is their story.

“We were in the United States Marines, doing a mock war in the Norwegian city of Trondheim with the Dutch, Germans, and other allies, training in urban combat> My infantry unit was positioned in a large soccer field next to an elementary school. Keep in mind there was no actual combat, even simulated; it was mostly just practicing maneuvers and tactics. But we still looked out of place with our weapons and gear, etc. It was February in Norway. Cold a sheck. Snow up to our knees. Norway obviously has no snow days, so the kids were all in school.

Anyway, so Norway has this most delicious and amazing delicacy, I have no idea what it is called, but it is basically a bacon-wrapped hot dog; we assumed it was called Candy of the Lord. As Americans, we were naturally and instantly addicted. You find them in gas stations, and there just happened to be one on the other side of the school where we were camped. A few of my fellow Marines and I requested permission to go to the gas station and we set out on our way.

We made it to right about where the main entrance of the school was, and the doors opened…school was out. There were only a few kids, probably 6 or 7 years old. Lots of talking and laughing. Gawking at us as we walked by, with our guns and huge ridiculous snow suits. One precocious little guy made shooting noises at us. We made shooting noises right back.

Then someone in my group…I don’t know who…God help me, I don’t know who…

Someone threw a snowball and hit a little girl in the leg.

Then those little Norwegian children unleashed hell.

There was a shrill cry of unintelligible gibberish and the doors of the school burst open. School children flooded out like a never-ending flood of something that never ends. Screeching, smiling, sprinting – how in the world were they sprinting?” the little bastards were slinging snowballs faster than the law of physics should allow. It was like the movie Elf. If you can imagine riding fast in a car during a snowstorm and sticking your head out the window. Now imagine the snowflakes that are hitting your face are snowballs.

We couldn’t see a thing. We couldn’t run.

We could barely breathe

We were in hell.

We tried to return fire and threw one, maybe two half-packed crappy snowballs that fell apart in the air, arms flailing like a wimpy little kid. I am from Texas. We are a unit stationed in North Carolina. We were so outmatched and out of our element, it made them laugh even harder. We were cut off from our main forces. We tried to perform a flanking maneuver, but they were too fast. I think that some of them were even throwing rocks!

As for my comrades, I could see them speed waddling in their huge snow suits back to camp like a messed-up pair of Teletubbies under withering fire. Screw tactics, screw me, screw the Candy of the Lord…this was survival! I was the slow one in the group. My snow boots were too big but they were the smallest size they had at the Issue tent! My Marines had left me behind!

I tried pulling my hood over my head and keeping my head down. No longer content to pelt my body with ballistic snow, the enemy swarmed me and dragged me down, cackling like a bunch of hyenas descending on a wildebeest.  I tried to sling them off me by spinning. I came out of one of my boots and fell. I began to scream and plead for them to stop but they neither understood nor gave a single Nordic damn. They literally pinned me down with about five kids on each limb. It was then that I actually thought – “oh crap…I’m really in trouble.” My snow mittens were ripped off and flung into the trees. They started shoveling snow down my suit. Have you ever had anyone drop an ice cube down your back? Well, now imagine someone shoveling handfuls of ice cubes down your shirt. It literally shocked the breath out of my body!

They left me laying there like a Family Guy accident victim. Moaning and screaming in the cold. Rifle packed with snow and dirt. Boot buried somewhere. The kids ran away laughing and jabbering in their crazy language. I just lay there trying to figure out what in the world had just happened.”

 

Have a safe, warm day!

God’s Time

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Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you had an opportunity to speak with God? What would you say? What would you ask Him for? What would you do? This is an interesting question, right? Well, hopefully, your conversation wouldn’t end up as the following one did!

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.

The man asked, “God, what’s a million years to you?” and God said, “A minute.”

Then the man asked, “Well, what’s a million dollars to you?” and God said, “A penny.”

Then the man asked, “God…..can I have a penny?” and God said, “Sure…..in a minute.”

Hope you enjoyed this cute little story and the smile and giggle that went along with it.

Have a wonderful day!

The Entertaining Wisdom of a Child

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You have to love how children can be so blunt and truthful. It can sometimes be amusing (or quite embarrassing) when a child blurts out an answer that most people didn’t anticipate. Such is the case for today’s short story. I am sure that the wisdom of this little darling will bring a smile to your face!

In a grade school lesson, a teacher was explaining a little bit about whales.

A little girl in class piped up and said: “I just learned that Jonah in the bible was swallowed by a whale.”

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was relatively small.

The girl said: “I am sure Jonah was swallowed by a whale.”

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; that it was physically impossible.

The little girl replied: “My Sunday school teacher told me Jonah was swallowed and she would not lie to me.”

A bit perturbed by this, the teacher proclaimed: “That is a “story” from the bible, it is not factual, and I will not argue with you.”

After a little thought, the girl responded: “Well, when I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah”.

Now challenged, the teacher spouted: “What if Jonah didn’t go to heaven?”

Not at all daunted, the girl quipped,  . . . “ok then you ask him.”  ~ Author Unknown ~

– – “Out of the mouth of babes . . . “

 

Kids Can Say the Funniest Things!

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Ah! The innocence of youth, If you ever want to hear “the truth” or “honest opinion” from someone…just ask a kid. On the other hand, children can be mysterious. You never know what precious “words of wisdom” may come out of their mouths and many times, you can’t keep yourself from smiling, giggling, or down-right laughing.

I recently asked a few of my friends to share with me some funny stories about some of the things that their young children have said or done. It is my great pleasure to share with you some of these stories from my dear friends Crystal, Mimi, Caroline, Heidi, Sabrina, and a few others selected from around the web. So, without further ado, sit back read on, and get ready for some stories that will be certain to put a smile on your face and some warmth in your soul!

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Lulu: “What is a paparazzi?”

Mom: “People who take pictures of famous celebrities.”

Lulu: “What’s a celebrity?”

Mom: “Someone who everyone knows.”

Lulu: “Like Taylor Swift or God?”

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Levi: “Can I please have another cookie?”

Gigi: “No, but I have something more important to tell you…”

Levi: There is nothing more important than cookies!”

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Dylan: “My shoes are tired.” (instead of, “My feet hurt or I’m tired.”)

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“When it thunders, my son always says, “God must be really hungry!” (As if he is saying that the sky/heaven is God’s belly)

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A men’s boxer brief commercial was advertising on the TV when Crystal’s little girl explained to her how the “extra room” zone was actually just a kangaroo pouch!

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The other day, Sabrina and her little boy were down by the sea looking at a lighthouse when he suddenly, ” blurted out, “holy ship!” He looked at his mom in awe and said, “whooooo Baby!  Holy ship mama…” People who were standing around them turned and started laughing. Sabrina informed everyone, “He said SHIP! I swear!” The world will never know…

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A little while ago, Eddie brought his daughter to the doctor’s office for one of his visits. She kept asking her dad if things hurt him. “Are your ears OK? Does your throat hurt? Do you have a belly ache?” Then, the loudest question of all…one that made everyone look up and stare at Eddie…” Daddy! Does your hiney hole hurt?”

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Gigi: “You did a good job staying in your bed at Gigi’s last night.”

Levi: Well, I did get up one time, Gigi.”

Gigi: “Really?”

Levi: “Yes, because I picked a booger with my finger and I needed a flashlight so I could look at it.”

SMH, such a boy!

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Crystal walked into her little girl the other day and found her putting on her deodorant. Her daughter said that she had to put her “armpit tickler protector on.” Obviously, it is made to prevent tickle attacks, not excess sweating or smells 😊

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Levi brought over a new puppy the other day when he saw Po (his grandpa) scolding the cat for hissing at him.

Levi: “Po, why are you talking to the cat? Don’t you know that cats can’t talk?”

A few minutes later, when Levi was talking to his puppy…

Po: “Levi, why are you talking to the dog? Don’t you know that dogs can’t talk?”

Levi: “I know Po, but they are good listeners!”

Po: Well, you got me there!”

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A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.” “How did you know?” his mother asked. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

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On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”

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After dinner, one night, Caroline’s little boy’s tummy made a noise…probably digesting what he just ate…when he says to everyone, “My tummy is saying thank you!”

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Me: Did you know that she has a baby in her belly? (referring to a pregnant co-worker)
Kid: (horrified) You ate your baby?!

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During an elementary recess, a 2nd grader approached her Physical Education teacher who was on Recess Duty…

Lara: “Coach, can I ask you a question?”

Coach: “Yes Lara, what is it?”

Lara: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

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6-Year-Old: “Is kindergarten two years?”

Teacher: “No, just one.”

6-Year-Old: Well, it felt like two!”

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We say that we go to work to pay the bills a lot because now my son, Dylan, thinks that’s what we do for a living says his mom. When he asks, “Where’s daddy?” and I tell him that he’s at work, he responds by saying, “Daddy’s paying the bills.” When I asked him, “what does daddy do at work?” Dylan answered, “Daddy pays the bills.”

Dylan loves picking up his toy toolbox and say he’s going to work. The other day, when he was asked what he was going to do, he said, “I am going to pay the bills and mortgage.” Adorable!

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“Children are our greatest treasure. They are our future.” ~ Nelson Mandela