Even the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee, and others cannot take care of this one. It appears to target those who were born prior to 1960. The sporadic lock down seems to be increasing the chances of being affected!
Virus Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (That too)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6. Causes you to hit SEND before you’ve finished. (Oh no, not again)
7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that)
8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE. (Heck, now what?)
This virus is called the C-NILE virus!
A lot of us have already been inflicted with this disease and unfortunately as we age, it gets worse. And if you can’t admit to doing any of the above, you’ve obviously caught the other strain – the D-NILE virus. Doctors say that lots of naps and a daily dose of Johnnie Walker liquid medicine might help.
The times that we are presently living seem to be more dark and pessimistic with each passing day. It is easy for us to focus and dwell on the negative events that seem to be happening all around us this past year or so…COVID, masks, the unrest in Washington D.C., etc.
One of the beautiful things about life, is that we can discover ways to alleviate this sense of doom by exercising, going outside and enjoy nature via hikes, walks, runs, and biking. Other people meditate, practice yoga, tai chi, and a host of other methods or techniques to control and manage their anxiety.
Laughter and comedy has also been a tremendous outlet for people when navigating the storms of life.
The focus of my blog today, is to do just that…to give people some giggles, smiles, or laughter that (hopefully) will help brighten your day…at least for a short time.
So, without further ado, here are a few statements that I am sure will bring a sense of merriment and joy to your soul 🙂
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
12. What do you call a deer with one eye? No eye deer (no idea(r))
13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
18. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good…) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
It is funny how a person’s outlook on life changes as they get older….
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers..
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the ‘John’ and renamed it the ‘Jim’. I feel so much better saying “I went to the Jim this morning”.
Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
I don’t have grey hair; I have “wisdom highlights” I’m just very wise.
Don’t ever ask me to bend down and touch my toes. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators We haven’t met yet.
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes when I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Actually I’m not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. – I don’t have to go to school or work. – I have a driver’s license and my own car. – I get an allowance every month. – I have my own ipad (although I can’t recall where I kept it) – I don’t have a curfew.
Life is great.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names. Now, I’m wondering…did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
It has once been said that a dog is man’s best friend, and in many ways, they are. People have various kinds of animals for their pets, cats, birds, snakes, lizards, etc., and they use them for comfort, companionship, and security, just to name a few. But for the purpose of this story, I am going to focus on the incredible healing power of dogs.
A dog is not just a friend to another person or family, they are great sources of delight, happiness, and security. There is no better creature in the world that will a smile to a terminally ill person, comfort an individual in times of anxiety and stress, or simply become a fierce, loyal friend to someone in their time of need.
So, with that in mind, sit back and enjoy the following pictures of “man’s best friend.”
We all know how much impact the quarantine and all the time that we have spent “locked down” has had on us. Days seem to melt together, and, on occasions, time just seems to slow down.
I came across the following thoughts from a friend of mine. Some of them are funny and some will make you sit back and think. Whatever the case…enjoy.
***************
I hope they give us two weeks’ notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we’ll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by “ourselves” I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.
Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.
Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now. We don’t have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!
When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.
I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: “Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale.”
Not to brag, but I haven’t been late to anything in over 6 weeks.
It may take a village to raise a child but I swear it is going to take a vineyard to home school one.
I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages.
Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.
You know those car commercials where there’s only one vehicle on the road – doesn’t seem so unrealistic these days …
They can open things up next month, I’m staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.
Day 37: The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.
The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” In other words…”The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.
People keep asking: “Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?” Listen y’all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it’s probably pretty serious.
Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.
Home School Day 1: I’m trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.
Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.
Okay, the schools are closed. So, do we drop the kids off at the teacher’s house or what?
For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family, or will they relocate us? Asking for myself …
Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told “No” if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.
The dumbest thing I’ve ever bought was a 2020 planner …
I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, “If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there.”
Enjoy your day…You don’t have anything else to do.
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies (and men) with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or announcements.
*********************
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
————————–
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
————————–
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
————————–
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
————————–
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
————————–
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
————————–
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
————————–
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
————————–
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
————————–
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
————————–
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
————————–
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
————————–
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
————————–
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
————————–
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
————————–
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
————————–
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
————————–
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
————————–
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
————————–
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
————————–
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
————————–
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’
The following little ditty might make you scratch your head but also might bring a smile to your face.
This is a story about four people named: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
In today’s world, amidst all of the depressing news and the negative climate, I think it is good for a person to have at least one laugh, giggle, or smile every day. So, without further ado…here’s a little story:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping on the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell into a deep, restful sleep after a long day on the trail. Some hours later, Tonto wakes up the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky…what you see?
The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems like we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Tonto?
“You dumber than buffalo…it means someone stole tent.”
Smiles and happiness are SO good for the heart and soul. It is great medicine a person. The following thoughts are fabulous reminders as to why a smile is so important. So, take time every day to laugh, giggle, or smile. A smile is not only good for yourself but an encouragement to others!
A smile costs nothing, but gives much.
It enriches those who receive, without making poorer those who give.
It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
None is so rich or mighty that he can get along without it, and none is so poor, but that he can be made rich by it.
A Smile creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in business, and is the countersign of friendship.
It brings rest to the weary, cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and it is nature’s best antidote for trouble.
Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone, until it is given away.
Some people are too tired to give you a smile;
Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.
I came across this story a short time ago that I thought would be an interesting thing to share.
A Public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport this morning as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator. At a press conference just before noon today, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. Although he did not identify the man, he confirmed the man has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-Gebra is a problem for us”, the Attorney General said. “They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.” They use secret names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.” The Attorney General went onto say “teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them to solve problems is dangerous and puts our government at risk.
Sometimes, there is nothing better than a good story about animals. Mix the story with a little humor and good old-fashioned Faith…and you will have a story that will bring a smile to your face and maybe even a little giggle or laugh.
Today is an entertaining little tale that I think that you will enjoy.
It’s a Miracle Kitten from Heaven story. What could be more fun than a little girl wanting a kitty cat? And what if she prayed really hard for God to send a kitty to her from heaven? And what if God answered her prayer immediately? When A Child Prays, Their Faith is Strong and Alive, Expecting an Answer. Read on . . .
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about a pastor. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard, and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and grasp the kitten.
He did all this, kept getting out to check, then figured if he went just a little bit farther, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little farther forward… the rope broke.
The tree went *Boing!* and the kitten instantly sailed through the air- out of sight. The pastor felt very bad. He walked all over the neighborhood, asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a kitten. So he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping,” and went on about his business.
A few days later, he was at the grocery store, and he met Melissa Jefferson, one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart, and he was amazed to see cat food. Knowing she hated cats, he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?” She replied, “You won’t believe this,” and told him how her little girl Meghan had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the girl had begged again, and so the Mom finally told her little girl, “Well, if God gives you a cat from heaven, I’ll let you keep it.”
You can guess the rest. She told the pastor, “I watched my little girl go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a kitty cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her.
I’ve always wondered if he told her what really happened.
